Daft Punk

There's this idea called Steampunk. If you're not familiar with it, it's the idea of building modern machinery with steam-era technology.  And there are now variations on it. For instance, Dieselpunk has futuristic stuff in early 20th century style.

I've always wanted to see a reverse Steampunk, where people would build steam machinery with modern technology. You'd think that some bored engineers would try to build a super-efficient computer-controlled steam locomotive out of kevlar and carbon fibre. I assume something like that would be called Steammetal.

But another possibility is: if we can imagine how people in the past would have made awkward and intricate machines that reach beyond their age's technological abilities, why not reach forward from now, and build crazy, over-ambitious substitutes for future technology.  I'm thinking of the sort of thing people from the future might look back and view as whimsical "Siliconpunk"?

I think we already have, and it's called Google Glass. It seems like a crude attempt to replace some future technology, such as a direct neural implant connecting your brain to the Internet. And it comes off as just as unnatural as the steam contraptions of steam punk. So to the people predicting that 2014 will be the year of Google glass, I have to disagree. More like 2064 will be the year of people using their Huawei Neural Interface to look up historical photos and videos at the Central Knowledge Wiki-pository, so they can make their costumes for National Cosplay Day (formerly Halloween.)

Last Impressions

There’s a lot of people who are classics for impersonation, even after the originals have left the scene. You still hear people do Nixon impressions, particularly the, “I am not a crook line.” What’s weird is that some generations know people only through their impressions. Take Humphrey Bogart, for instance. I’ve seen some of his movies, yet I probably know his voice primarily from actors and comedians imitating him.

But the leader in the living-on-through-impersonation category would have to be Ed Sullivan. I’m too young to have seen his show; of course, I’ve seen clips such as the famous Beatles performance. But mostly I know his “really big shoe” voice and mannerisms through years of comedians hamming it up.

But, when I hear people imitate Bill Cosby, I wonder, can I really trust impersonations of Ed Sullivan? If they're as far off as Cosby routines, we've been lied to.

Paging Fred Bloggs

I came across news of a study from a few years ago that explores the possibility that people are slightly more likely to choose a career that reflects their name.  You've probably seen a few examples of people whose profession lines up with their name; sprinter Usain Bolt is often given as an example. 

Apparently, it's called an aptronym.  Wikipedia has a list of some famous examples.

Interestingly, there's a person sharing my last name, James Roe, who is a rower.  I'd never considered this way of finding a career before.  The only time I've tried rowing was in a community dragon boat race once. I've never had an interest in fish eggs or Eurasian deer.  Including the meaning behind "Jason," (healer) I should be a veterinarian specializing in deer.  Other than an affinity for Bambi, that doesn't seem to fit my personality.  So back to What Colour Is Your Parachute? it is then.

Read This Before I Erase It

An article in the Wall Street Journal warns of the coming "erasable internet" which may spell the end for Google. Wait, what? He points to the success of Snapchat - the asp that allows you to send pictures that disappear after 7 seconds. If that idea is expanded to other internet services, it would be the end of a service like Google, which catalogs existing web pages.

I find all this hard to believe. Snapchat may be appealing to teenagers who are unfamiliar with the concept of "screenshots," but I don't know how many other services could benefit from a transient quality. Could you imagine a Snapwikipedia, which has to be re-written every day? Even Twitter, which seems to be fast-moving and temporary, actually stores tweets permanently, with no harm to most.

This seems to happen with every new technology and success story: people start assuming it's the beginning of a permanent and universal trend. Snapchat is successful: everything will be temporary. Foursquare is successful: everything will be location-based. And it goes the other way too: when something wanted in popularity, it and everything similar is forever a part of history. Take blogging. I've heard many claims of its death, but this blog's popularity is proof of... Okay, bad example.

Partly, this phenomena comes from wanting to simplify a complicated and ever-changing field. And some of it is Emperor's New Clothes, where no one wants to be caught using instant messaging if the cool kids are using Snapchat. But what's really happening is that were building and exploring a new world, and and acquiring new tools, and each of those tools finds a use appropriate to its qualities. Blogging is a great example of this. It's declined in popularity during the rise of Twitter, Facebook and others, as people just looking to stay in touch or make the of observation leave. But blogging remains strong among those who want to read or write regularly in a slightly longer format.

So This Is Holiday

As always, there's controversy this year about people saying, "Happy Holidays" rather than, "Merry Christmas". Normally I don't care too much.  If people are going around wishing nice things to one another, I won't look that gift horse in the mouth.

But I do have to point out that this year the replacing of "Christmas" with "Holiday" has entered a new and awkward phase, as advertisers have tried expanding use of the H-word beyond slogans and signs, and into more natural speech. I mean, I can understand using "holiday" when addressing a large public group ("Here's wishing everyone in Moose River a Happy Holiday"), but people don't really use it when discussing it with well known friends. ("What are we having for Holiday dinner?")

The prime example is that heart-warming Apple commercial where that teenager makes a family movie with his iPhone. It's a nice ad, but the video begins with the title, "A Harris Family Holiday." That sounds artificial, and not just because we're supposed to believe that a family called "Harris" might be celebrating a different holiday.

It's one thing to talk about the population as a whole celebrating "Holidays" in a generic sense, but no single person/family celebrates "Holidays." I doubt anyone would feel left out of we just acknowledged that the family in the ad is celebrating Christmas. Or, alternately, I doubt any reasonable person would find the commercial any less touching if it were "A Savarkar Family Diwali."

There's No Hip In Christmas

I often feel alienated by Christmas, what with its enforced revelry. So when I find something to celebrate, I feel I should pass it on.

Here's something to love about Christmas: the way it flattens out the cultural hierarchy, allowing lowbrow content to reach classic status.

Probably the best example is the Rudolph TV special. It's a stop-action-program that takes am existing story and slaps on a backstory with all the gravitas of a Saturday morning cartoon. In any other context it would be forgotten, save for a brief moment thirty years after its debut when it would receive a brief ironic revival. But because it's about Christmas, it's achieved cultural touchstone status. Even the original Rudolph story itself is a colouring book turned novelty song.

Where else would we find a long-term life for A Christmas Story, Boney M's Mary's Boy Child, both Trans-Siberian Orchestra and Manheim Steamroller?  Or there's the "Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" story; what other letter-to-the-editor has such respect?  Even Santa himself was shaped by early Coca-Cola posters.  And how did Boris Karloff, known for playing Frankenstein, achieve immortality?  By narrating a Christmas special.  And there's the Bing Crosby/David Bowie Little Drummer Boy duet.  What other cultural force would even get them into the same room, never mind working together?

So let's all have a Merry, Culturally-Inclusive, Christmas, and put our snobbery aside until Boxing Day.

Ma Slow Descent

The power was out for six hours during the ice storm. It turns out that wasn't nearly as bad as many people faced, with power out for days or more. Still, it was strange to be without power for so long. It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced a black-out that long, save for the Great Blackout of Aught-Three. But that was in the summer, and with the inside temperature plunging, it underlines our dependence on electricity much better than a little extra sweat without air conditioning does.

In looking back at my reaction, what's notable is how the feelings follow Maslow's hierarchy of needs.  That's the psychological theory that what we require as humans is arranged in a linear hierarchy where we satisfy the most basic needs before addressing more complex desires:

• Physiological: It's freezing! Get my blanket. I'm hungry! Find all non-frozen, edible-at-room temperature foods.
• Safety: What if it takes a week to get the power back, like the Quebec ice storm? Maybe we can stay somewhere else. No, looters will ransack the place. Rent a wood burning fireplace!
• Belonging: I’m stuck here! I can’t phone anyone, because my three-quarters-of-a-battery phone charge has to last for the next week! Well, in a worst case scenario, I can hike to a friend’s place; we can huddle for warmth.
• Esteem: I’m so dependent on modern conveniences. I can hear my ancestors laughing at me. But if I survive, it will be a great accomplishment.
• Self-actualization: This will give me greater perspective on life, what we need, and what’s really important.

I think I’ve come through this as a better person, with a better understanding of humanity. So if I ever face that storm that is as bad as my worst fears, I’ll be in a good position to decide who we eat first.

Gay Men And Beards

So, the Duck Dynasty guy is a homophobe. Yes, I aware that there's more than one person on the show. But I don't watch it personally, and it hasn't reached the Jersey Shore level where the individuals become famous. So for me, he's just that guy from Duck Dynasty.

No, this isn't going to be another of my rants about how people assume everyone is watching a popular show. Duck Dynasty is like Jersey Shore in that it's well known that lots of people pointedly avoid watching.  So I've never felt left-out by talk of the show.

But just as everyone in America had finished jumping on to the Duck Dynasty bandwagon, they have to get back off it again. Even the Android word stroke recognizer is distancing itself - it keeps trying to interpret "duck" as "sick". But I feel most sorry for Chia. They must have spent their profits for the last ten years on the rights to the Duck Dynasty beard chia pets, now what are they going to do with them?

(Weirdly, the word recognizer had no trouble with "chia.")

Rather than get angry at him, we should treat this as a lesson on where we look for our media heroes and role models. The incident underlines the difference between reality and fiction television. In our reality TV era, we've tended to treat its subjects as characters, idolizing or demonizing them as such. But they are in the end, actual people, with all the frailties and disappointments that come with being human. When you buy that Duck Dynasty shirt at Walmart, it's not like buying a Sheldon shirt at Target: you'll have an actual person on your chest. A person you don't actually know that well, and one who doesn't have a team of writers and producers ensuring they stay appealing and non-threatening.

My Wife Could Blog Better Than This

No, I haven't gotten married suddenly. Rather, that title is a reference a recent post-game speech by a college basketball coach, in which he said his wife could shoot better than his team, among other insults.  His rant has gone viral. At least, I assume it has "gone viral" in the sense that people are watching it online. I do know that it spread across television quickly. I don't think that's considered "going viral." Maybe we should call that "going bacterial" or something.

It was a weird experience seeing it repeated on sports news shows and updates. I believe it was the first time I've ever seen the progression of Andy Warhol's fifteen minutes of fame in real time. At least, fifteen minutes was the amount of time it took me to get sick of seeing it. Ol' Andy didn't anticipate that fame would greatly outlive our interest. The coach's rant will live on in talk shows and recaps forever.

That for me thinking: There are some famous college basketball coaches, but generally they don't get a lot of mainstream renown. For instance, I'm something of a sports fan, yet I only recently realized that Mike Krzyzewski, Mike Shuh-shev-skee, and "Coach K" are all the same person. I've also heard of John Wooden and Rick Pitino. Beyond that, I can only think of Bobby Knight, and he's mostly famous for his tantrums too.

But this coach has just vaulted to the top of the list. There are surely other coaches that have accomplished great things on and of the court, but they remain anonymous, while some jerk with no sense of restraint (or coaching skills, it would seem) has become a celebrity.

My point is that it's unfortunate that fame so often comes from poor behaviour. Usually sports is - for better or worse - a meritocracy. But even there you can see The Ford Effect, where the biggest rewards are not for success but for being ridiculous.

Frozen In Time

When I recently had problems with my Internet connection, I got out my copy of The Internet For Dummies. Why would I, a computer professional, own such a book? Because I bought it in university when I first started hearing about this "Internet" thing the computer science students were talking about.

Here's the cover

Here's the 1993 copyright

 

11 pages on Archie, 10 pages on Gopher

...and 6 pages on the World Wide Web

Gregorian Rhapsody

Percent of people who use full-size wall calendars:

I'm thinking about 25%

Minus people who get free calendars from charities, companies, the milk marketing board etc.:

Knock it down to about 10%

Multiply by the population of the city:

That's about 400,000, so it comes to maybe 40,000 calendars to sell in the city per year.

But!

Number of calendars on sale at kiosks in local malls:

3,000,000 (approx.)

It's Such An Imperfect Ad

It’s become a trend in video game commercials to have ordinary people - presumably representing the average gamer - acting out the games, with the gamer plunged into, say, a battle-torn hellscape.

I think it started with this ad from a few years back:

Though in that case I'm sure it was less about trying to illustrate the video games as an immersive fantasy, and more about trying to enthral people with the idea that they can shoot Kobe Bryant.  Presumably they couldn't afford LeBron James.

Showing the average person in the game sounds like a good idea; they’re visually depicting the idea that the games allow you to do things you wouldn’t have the chance to do in real life. But really, it just looks silly. Today’s video games are already at the far end of believability, so putting a dorky guy in the middle of it just makes it look that much less believable.  In the above commercial, I have to stretch my believability as far as it will go just to accept the idea of a guy walking through a gun battle shooting in both directions at once without looking.  Making the guy a chef snaps my disbelief like a cheap elastic.

Or maybe the chef's Mario-like moustache was a dig at Nintendo.  It’s too bad Nintendo doesn’t do commercials like this. You could see ordinary people stamping on turtles, bashing their heads into boxes, eating mushrooms etc.

Old Fashioned Convertibles

It seems like there's been a sudden push to get us to by convertible laptops, or tablets with keyboards. It's like they're saying, you know that new thing that you want? Well instead, why not get something that's sort of like the new thing and sort of like the old thing it's replacing.

I notice that the companies getting rich in the current tech environment, like Apple and Samsung, are not the ones trying to sell them. It's mostly coming from companies trying to play catch up, like Microsoft and HP.  That makes me think that this is a desperate bid to stay relevant.

Did that happen in previous tech revolutions?  Did they try selling...

• A personal computer that also has a slot for you to feed in your typewriter paper?
• A car that also has a place to attach a harness so your horse can pull it?
• A television that also acts as a radio?

I'm not saying that laptops are going to disappear - I am typing this on one right now. But I'm not sure why it's so very important to have a device that is both - especially when you can buy a cheap laptop and tablet for the price of many of these convertibles. Or at least, a tablet and a keyboard.  Really, these manufacturers are banking on the old does-it-run-Word paranoia.  I think they'll find we've gotten over it.

Pope-ularity

I - like a lot of people - have to say that Francis is by far my favourite Pope. Again like most people these days, I only have three choices in my lifetime, at least since I've been conscious of what a Pope is. So how about if I call him my favourite fully-observant Catholic. Though that is also a pretty small pool.

Time has notably given him their Person Of The Year. However, I started writing this when I read this article which praises him as the leader we wish we had in other religions, and in our politicians.  At that point, I have to call apples-and-oranges.

It's a pet peeve of mine that comes up whenever someone tries to push the idea that some unelected person's popularity (a royal or a religious leader) somehow proves that they are "better" than any and all politicians.

When it comes to politicians, they have two distinct disadvantages compared to everyone else:

A high threshold for success

A politician has to win elections. So no one cares if you got a lot of votes, they care if you got the most votes, and that's harder than just winning over a few fans. As I've pointed out before, a TV show only needs a few percent of the audience to be a hit. A politician is a massive failure with only a third of people's support.  Or to put it in 1980's terms, more Americans voted for Walter Mondale than bought Thriller.

This Pope is just getting nice things said about him, by some people. And as a liberal leader of a traditionally conservative sect, he's getting soft treatment in the media.

No power

Everyone seems to be saying nice things about his pro-poor talk. But it's easy to support rhetoric. It's not like he's actually making you give to the poor, regulating capitalism etc. Once the issues start affecting people lives, suddenly people won't feel so warm and fuzzy about it.

You Haven't Got Mail!

We in Canada got the news today that our mail service is being greatly reduced. No residences will get mail delivered to home (we'll all have to deal with the supermailboxes) and the price of a stamp will go up from fifty-sixty-whatever-it-is all the way to a dollar.  It's all because no one mails anything anymore.

And because of that, I find myself not really caring.  I hardly ever mail anything, and the only mail I ever get are greeting cards, postcards, and bills.  This change will give me the impetus to finally switch my remaining paper bills to e-bills, and it might get others to go with e-cards.

That's the one thing that could go wrong with this move: Canada Post's reasoning is that mail volumes are way down, so they're trimming costs and increasing prices.  But that's just going to reduce the mail volumes further. The fact is, hardly anything needs snail-mailing any more, and I think we may have started to end it all together.

And once no people are mailing me, the only reason I'll ever check the mailbox is to empty out the advertising.  To bad you can't opt out of mail, the same way you can dump your land line.

But the real reason I'm worried about this is listening to old-timers complain about it.  I was already sick of hearing about how terrible it was that they closed the post offices and went with counters in convenience stores.  Now we're never going to hear the end of this.

Lifestyles Of The Rich And Inconvenienced

Someone is building a condo tower on Miami aimed at the super rich. And when I say super rich, I don't mean someone who can afford a condo in Miami. They are trying to target billionaires. It's called the Porsche Design Tower, because it is being designed by Porsche Design (the cash-in-on-the-name division of Porsche, the car company.)

It's appropriate that the building is associated with a car company: The big draw is that it actually has a car elevator in it, so you can park your car (actually, "cars") in a garage adjoining your condo, with a glass wall so you can enjoy a view of your automotive collection in your condo. And your cars can be terrified by the view from the sky they were never meant to experience.

This brings up something I've thought odd about rich people: their desire for expensive versions of inherently cheap things. The best example is in plane seating. Airlines keep coming up with more luxurious first or business class seats, with mini desks, seats that recline into something approximating a bed, etc.

Emirates first class, which you can see in Google Streetview

If you look at the first class cabin in the context of an airline cabin, it looks luxurious. But in any other context it looks torturous. Imagine walking into the office of your new employer and seeing that all the desks look like that; you'd either leave, or form a union. Or to put it another way, the occupants of these seats will be paying tens of thousands of dollars to spend seven hours in an environment that's less comfortable than a modest basement apartment.

And this condo tower is much the same. It's still prone to all the problems of apartment/condo living. You still might get caught with a neighbour that plays loud music, or someone who smokes on the balcony. And worse, in this tower it will be a smelly cigar, and music played by the actual band.

A Few Things Left To Say-ay-ay-ay-ay

Do you ever have that thing where you wake up with a song you heard the day before, going through your head, and it ends up going through your head the rest of the day? Well for me, on Mondays, that is often the Sunday Night Football theme, as belted-out by Carrie Underwood. Sometimes that's annoying, but now it's a welcome respite from Christmas carols.
 

But it also got me thinking about it.  For one thing, why would anyone Wait All Day For Sunday Night?  There are games on all afternoon. But there's also the way they work in a line describing that night's game (eg, "Saints and Panthers: a division showdown")  I always wondered if that means they had her sing the song over and over again, with the line changed for each game.  If so, how do they avoid getting snarky with the lyrics ("Bills and Vikings, there's nothing else on.")  Or they call her into the studio every week to re-record that one line.  That would surely also lead to some resentment ("Falcons and Texans, it looked good in July.")

That doesn't seem likely, but then it occurred to me that some of the Sunday night games aren't scheduled ahead of time; they wait until that week before deciding which game to move to prime time.  Maybe they call her up that week and get her to sing the week's teams into the phone.  "Hi Carrie, we've decided on Saints-Panthers.  Don't worry, we can fix it with autotune."  I wish I'd seen her Sound of Music special now, I could probably do some sarcastic joke about it here.

Count 'Em Up

Canada's Olympic curling trials are nearly done.  The Ron Burgundy appearance went better than I expected.  My apologies to Will Ferrell; I'll go see Anchorman 2 as soon as it comes out.  Well, let's say when it gets to on-demand.  Anyway, watching the curling this week has made me think of the odd aspects of the sport that other sports could benefit from.  So here's my list of "Things other sports should borrow from curling."

More than one game going on at a time. 

If you get stuck watching a meaningless game between incompetent teams, just cast your eyes to the next field over.

Players make up their own teams.

Don't fight with teammates subtly passive-agressive quotes in media. Instead, start your own team and get some real revenge.

Coaches only get involved when they're asked for their input.

Some coaches are entertaining, but most are micromanager control freaks.  It would be better if they were forced to watch from the stands and only intervene when the players are totally perplexed.

Everyone is miked up all the time.

They often have microphones on some of the players in, say, football.  But that's just so they can play sound bites as a montage leading in to a commercial break, but it's usually just inane chatter. I want to hear them argue strategy, so we can finally find out who doesn't really know what they're doing.

Middle-aged super stars.

I find it's easier to cheer for someone when you don't have to resent their youth.

Vic Rauter. 

Lots of commentators know less about the sport than the audience, but only he has the courage to be open about it.

Clock limits time between action, not the action itself.

Think how much better sports would be if there was some limited amount of time for mound visits, soccer throw-ins, etc.

Name the teams after the star players. 

Let's drop the pretence and rename the Denver Broncos as the Peyton Manning Team.

I Did Not Find This Review Useful

There's been plenty of attention paid to Amazon's demonstration of delivering small packages by drones. But as technology previews go, this wasn't too impressive.  For me, future technology is exciting if there's a high ratio of life-changing to how difficult-of-implementation. 

The Amazon drones won't be that fast, and there's a host of yet-to-be solved problems with huge numbers of tiny flying things.  There's also the fact that it can't really hold that much.  Not only will it not be able to deliver a big order, the fact that it can't carry many people's orders means that there are going to have to be thousands of them, each ferrying a small order between the warehouse and one customer.

It's also a bit of a backward step in terms of centralization.  In order to deliver in reasonable time, there'll have to be a warehouse in your town.  Having an Amazon warehouse/droneport in each city would cost a fortune.

So for all these reasons I'm assuming Amazon isn't about to get into drone delivery, and this was just a publicity stunt.  If not, I'll be hoping that 3-D printing makes the very idea of delivering objects obsolete first.

Stadium Love

As a fan of both sports and architecture, I've always been interested in stadiums. (And as a fan of proper English, I've always been interested in "stadia.") And like many people, I'm no fan of the two most annoying trends in stadiums: ever more extravagant stadiums built with civic money extorted by teams threatening to move, and the often ridiculous sponsor-purchased names.

Both those trends reached new heights recently. The disposable stadiums problem was emphasized when the Atlanta Braves announced a deal to replace their current home, Turner Field. That stadium isn't too old itself: it was built for the Summer Olympics in 1996, then modified for baseball the next year.  It seems the Braves didn't like the location of the old stadium, and the city of Atlanta wouldn't pay for renovations, but one of the suburbs would pay for an unspecified amount of an entirely new stadium.

This gets more bizarre when you see that the Atlanta Falcons are leaving the Georgia Dome (built 1992) for their own new home.  So this most conservative part of America is going to be building two unnecessary partly-taxpayer-funded stadiums at the same time.

How does this happen?  Sports teams are very visible and have an emotional connection with the public, so losing them looks really bad for politicians, and money gets spent on them not the sewage treatment plant no one knows needs replacing. Eventually sports teams are going to push this too far and finally ask for too much.  But it's hard to image it could get sillier than abandoning a stadium barely old enough to drive. 

Both these buildings will have the naming rights sold to the highest bidder, so Atlanta-area taxpayers will have to live with not just paying for a stadium, but paying for Chick-Fil-A Field or the Piggly-Wiggly Dome or something. The idea of sponsors buying naming rights has already produced names that are difficult to talk about with a straight face. But now Rogers is going to make it more difficult, with news that they've bought the naming rights to the new arena in Edmonton. It will be known as Rogers Place. But wait, don't they already own the rights to Vancouver's arena? Yes, but that's Rogers Arena. Which is also not to be confused with Rogers Centre in Toronto (nee SkyDome.) If you have trouble remembering which of Disney World or Disney Land is in California and which is in Florida, them you're never going to get this straight. 

Dry Humour, Or Bathroom Humour

Occasionally you see clever graffiti on the hand-driers in public washrooms.  For instance, in one of the men's rooms in the University of Waterloo Math building, someone had modified the drier instructions so that it read, "For a message from Bill Davis, press button." Davis was already long gone when I got to UW, so the message must have been pretty solidly scratched in. Or the custodians really hated Bill Davis.

But I think this display at the University of Guelph may have taken the hand-drier satire crown:

Apocalypse (Google) Now

I've been continuing to use Google Now, the Android-based software that's supposed to act as a digital assistant.  I've already mentioned my experiences before.  There's been an upgrade, and it seems a little easier to use.  And then just today, I came across this article from the Economist on personal assistant software.

One of its features is that it senses (using GPS) which places you go to often, and then offers directions and travel times to them. So wherever I go, I always know how long it will take to get home. This feature is kind of hit-and-miss. The directions are fine, but it has a bizarre way of deciding which places it should keep track of. A couple of days ago, it offered to keep track of travel distances to Dawson Market, a cafe in Woodstock. I’ve been there a number of times, so I might be interested in directions there. But what odd is that I haven’t been there in months, because it’s been closed for renovations. What caused Google Now to just decide it was important to me?

It's also hit-and-miss when it gives me time updates.  For instance, it figured out that I often go to my hairstylist. (What?  I do have some hair, and it has to be cut.)  Of course, it might be useful to get traffic times to get there.  But it's not smart enough to figure out which places I go to at which times.  It would be useful if it noticed that I only go there at times I have marked in the calendar, and then only gave me updates when my appointment is coming up.  But it can't figure that out, it just gives me all the traffic updates it can, all the time.

Another of the places it keeps track of is my parents' house, and I was quite surprised when it suddenly told me that it would take ten-and-a-half hours to get there, rather than the 50 minutes it usually takes. So what caused that, a massive traffic jam on the back roads of Southern Ontario?

No, here's what happened: In looking through the configuration screens, it asked how I usually get around, with the options being walking, cycling, driving, and public transit. As a downtown resident, I answered it truthfully as walking. So now it thinks that every trip I take is by foot.

This Is Going To End Terribly

It's pretty clear that Canadian networks don't really understand the whole media conglomeration thing. Bell, Rogers, Shaw-Canwest-Global-whatever love the idea of reminding everyone what other properties they own. And I'm sure they love the thought that they're shepherding their audiences from one outlet to another. But in practice, this leads to things like sports announcers awkwardly shifting from commentary into a promo for Orphan Black.

But the awkwardness of media crossovers will reach new heights this weekend when Will Ferrell, as his Ron Burgundy alter ego, make an appearance at the Canadian Olympic curling trials. Who thought that was a good idea? Look, I've mentioned my problems with Ferrell in the past, but I'm wondering how many of his fans will turn out for curling. Is there that much of an intersection between curling fans and the potential audience for Anchorman 2? Sure, curling's older-skewing audience does many people who can remember the golden age of local news that the movie satirises, but that's also unlikely to be the people who go to movies.

So why would Farrell spend so much of his precious pre-release promotion time on such an unproductive publicity stunt? It could be that he just loves playing the character. It could be that he no longer has a personality of his own and is slowly turning into Ron Burgundy. But I really hope it's not this: that it's all about producing indirect marketing. Imagine: he yuks it up on the curling telecast; hardly anyone sees it, but TV stations and networks all over America pick up highlights of this goofy footage of the semi-fictional buffoon commenting on this oddball sport that no one understands. I wonder if curling/Winnipeg/TSN know they may be about to become patsies in someone's guerilla marketing campaign.

Hello Out There, We And Only We Are On The Air

There's lots of talk in Canada's media about the new NHL rights deal, in which Rogers Sportsnet has bought the national rights to show NHL games in Canada for the next twelve years for a cost of over five billion dollars. Putting aside the worries about whether this is the end of Hockey Night In Canada, and whether Don Cherry still has a job, there's been a lot of doubt about how good it is that one company has a monopoly for the near future.

Some people are hoping that this represents a shift in the NHL's picture of itself: if the league is getting a big chunk of its revenue from Canada, might it be more open to having more Canadian teams? On the other hand, they may realize that they've got all the money out of Canada that they're going to get, so there's no point in expanding here.

But I'm hoping the deal will be good for Canada in a totally different way. I've found it quite surprising and a little alarming how our highly connected, multichannel world has somehow seen Canada become more hockey obsessed. You'd think that all the media outlets would cause us to diversify our I interests, not to mention constant immigration from non-hockey-loving countries. But the media seems to be our enablers is this addiction. It's part of a widespread phenomena in broadcasting, in which adding channels somehow homogenizes the content. In the U.S. it causes countless reality shows, and in Canada it causes a focus on hockey. I hope some young Marshall McLuhan out there is working on the problem.

But now that TSN is largely shut out of hockey, they have little choice but to push the Canadian sports culture in a different direction. Yes, in response to the Sportsnet announcement, they pointed to their raft of hockey analysts as prof of their commitment to the game. But it seems hard to believe that they'll continue to put money into That's Hockey After Midnight or NHL Trade Deadline Three-Month Countdown if it's just going to get viewers excited about a sport on another network. TSN made big media properties out of the CFL and curling, so they do have some experience building up popular interest in sports pushed to the periphery.  And now they have the advantage they can easily outbid Sportsnet and its maxed-out budget for any other rights they want. So, Raptors, lacrosse, MLS, get ready for your closeup.

Cellevator

It just occurred to me that in the year since I've had this (mobile) phone, I don't think I've used it in the elevator yet. That may seem like an odd thing to point out, I realize.  But when I was non-mobile - on the tech outside looking in - the elevator was one of the prime places I saw people using their phones. Many people would whip the phone out before the doors had even closed, and be going through texts or tweets or something.

Elevators have always been awkward spaces for me; I'm unsure if I should start a conversation, or just watch the floors go by. Phones changed all that. I didn't have to worry about conversations when everyone else steps in and immediately buries their faces in their phones.  I assumed I'd eagerly take up this behaviour too, but it never did happen.  There never seems to be anything I can look up on the phone that can't wait the one minute until I get to my apartment.

What Else Do I Have To Say?

I was surprised at the fiftieth anniversary of JFK's assassination. I wasn't looking forward to all the self-important reminiscing. Insured is all seemed quite subdued. I'd even say Doctor Who won this weekend's battle of the incongruous fiftieth anniversaries. 

There was less of that usual "do you remember where you were when..." As there seemed a tacit acceptance that most of today's population wasn't anywhere. I actually felt sorry for the baby boomers for once.

But as a student of twentieth century history, I was disappointed in the superficial rehashing of Kennedy's life. According to today's media, there are two views of his legacy:

• He didn't really do much, and people's memories of him are just their projections of their own hopes and dreams.
• He did do something: he gave lots of speeches and gave people hope.

I'm sorry, am I the only person who remembers the Cuban Missile Crisis? It was one of the most difficult situations the U.S. has ever been in, and Kennedy managed to defend American interests while preserving the peace.  Moreover, the strategies recommended by virtually all other American politicians and military leaders would have been disastrous.  First, we all owe him a big thank you on that.  And second, it compares well with recent American actions which seem to be the opposite: failing to keep peace, and failing to make the country safer.

And The Wheelie Goes To...

I've heard comedians ask the question of why it took so long to think of putting wheels on suitcases. I propose that we go one step further and in inaugurate a new award: the Golden Suitcase Wheel. It would go to great inventions and innovations that took an inexplicably long time to make an appearance. I nominate these sideways plugs:

For years, devices that required a large plug had big, roughly cube-shaped plugs, blocking any lower outlets. But after just a few generations, someone thought of making them thinner and with most of the bulk off to the side. I believe it is the embodiment of the Golden Wheel's philosophy: the human race will always get it right, eventually.

Lies, Damn Lies, And Crack

Now that the Rob Ford cavalcade has calmed down a bit, people have a chance to look past the buffoonery and look at what he's actually been saying.  And when they do that, they see that he's also told a lot of bald-faced lies that have nothing to do with his troubling addictions and behaviours. He claimed he had a bigger electoral mandate than anyone in Canadian history (that wasn't even close to true - Ford didn't even have the biggest win in merged-Toronto's short history.) He claimed - as he often does - that he got Toronto the lowest tax increase in North America (San Antonio didn't even have an increase, and even economically-pummeled Windsor did better than Toronto.)

That's got me thinking about Ford's supporters and their motivation. Their explanation for standing by him is that whatever his behavior, he's been a good mayor. And their definition of "Good Mayor" revolves around telling-it-like-it-is and saving the taxpayer money. His personal life may be a disaster, but he's forthright and cares about the little guy.

Which makes the above lies seem curious. Yes, it may not be unusual to hear about a politician lying, but this is a guy who portrays himself as the outsider type, someone who's above all that. And yet he doesn't just lie, he makes big, easily-disproven lies, rather than hiding his lies in exaggerations and lies-of-omission like most politicians.

As for his record, he and his followers frequently claim a billion dollars in taxpayer savings. He has done a lot of the work one would expect of a conservative politician, though the billion dollar figure relies on some fishy accounting.  But even if you believe the whole billion dollar claim, that saving will still be swallowed up by the extra cost to implement his transit plans, as compared to the plan he canceled upon taking office. You'd think that conservative voters would see this as more of what they're starting to tire of in conservative politicians: they practice austerity, but blow the savings on pet projects, never actually reducing the size of government.

So if Rob Ford just mediocre as a conservative, and worse-than-average for honesty, why do people love him enough to overlook his shortcomings?  My guess is that he's straightforward.  His lies may be bad, but they're simple.  His claims and his plans - whether good or bad - don't sound politiciany.  It's easy for him to play the outsider role: he may have many of the traits that people hate in politicians, but he still doesn't seem like a politician.

Skipping Meals

I made jokes recently about Soylent, a Silicon Valley startup that is making a nutrient drink that can replace any meal. Let's put aside the name and look at the product, since it's an interesting idea: a drink that provides for all the human body's nutritional needs.  Many people react with disgust at this concept, and it seems to be more than just their ill-chosen name.

The premise of this product seem to be, why eat food when you don't have to? I can understand why that question rubs people the wrong way: I'm no foodie, but even I get enough enjoyment out of eating that I wouldn't want to give it up for convenience. Thus, the company is being characterized as the geek lifestyle run wild, in which physical activities are just an inconvenience.

But really, I think the company may be on to something. While I often enjoy eating, I do also consider it inconvenient at times. I'm trying to picture myself at the moment I'm about to prepare a meal, and giving myself the offer that I can give up the pleasure of this meal, and with it, the inconvenience of preparation and washing. If I'm being honest, I have to admit that for many meals - probably the majority of them - my answer would be to just skip it.  Looking at it that way, it seems like a good deal: go ahead and treat yourself to your favourite food occasionally, a weekly big production of a meal, and the odd dinner out.  But then replace the rest of the meals.  The leftovers, the frozen stuff, the generic sandwiches and cereal: just take a quick drink and be done with it.

Rebel Without A Cause

A guy wrote in to the paper yesterday, suggesting that what we need is to vote against all incumbents.  Not, "vote for the party that's not in power" rather, "vote against any politician who currently holds office."

That is a new level for blanket anger against politicians. There are of course, a lot of people out there who who blame politicians for all our problems.  But usually they blame a party, an ideology, the systems of government, or the human race in general.  I've never seen anyone focus so specifically on people in office.

Even though popular anger at leaders seems to be increasing, I was surprised by this.  I disagree with politicians as much as anyone, but I think it's silly to believe that voters and our institutions are perfect, honest, and blameless, and it's just the incompetence and dishonesty of politicians that causes everything to go wrong.

That's a hard belief to maintain, especially if we're the ones electing them. Some people hang on to it by focussing on one party or the other as the source of our problems. The support this party not because of ideology, but because they're supposedly inherently more honest, and all the evil people ate just attracted to the other side.

But the anybody-but-incumbents philosophy takes it further. Somehow, the better choice is always the one that the public didn't make. One would think this belief would lead to the conclusion that the problem is we, the voters.

And yet, this extreme opinion is not that different from some views that are more mainstream. What are term limits, if not a belief that the office-holder is inherently inferior to someone who is not in office?

Where's Charlton Heston When You Need Him?

There's a new startup in Silicon Valley called Soylent. You guessed it, they make a radical new foodstuff. It's raised a number of questions: have venture capitalists fallen into their bad habits of throwing money recklessly at any new idea? Is this an idea that will appeal only to techies rather than the general population? Is this really the most pressing food related problem right now?

I prefer to ask the question: is this the dumbest company name ever? I mean, even if there hadn't been a movie about a food with a nasty secret called Soylent Green, the name is still too close to Solyndra. I think it's vaulted to number one my list of the worst product names ever.

Herpecin: as you may know, cold sores are just the oral form of herpes. But that doesn't mean they wasn't too be reminded of it.

NWA (airline): Northwest Airlines decided - quite understandably - that they wanted to shorten their name. And while I realize that African Americans are under-represented in corporate America, I can't believe that name made it from the boardroom to the ground without a single person saying, hey, didn't there used to be a rap group named that? Perhaps we should look up some of their songs to see if it's the sort of thing we want to be associated with.

MATRIX: not actually a product, but a dumb name nonetheless. It was a computer system to share information between law-enforcement organizations to find terrorists.  At a time when people were becoming concerned about the intrusion of government anti-terror agencies, they just had to come up with a name that doesn't make people think of big, evil computer systems.  So they called it the Multi-state Anti-Terrorist Information eXchange. 

I'm Such A Baby 'Cause The Dolphins Make Me Reassess Notions Of Masculinity

There's been a lot of talk in the football world about the bullying scandal in which Miami Dolphins' Richie Incognito is accused of harassing teammate Jonathan Martin to the point that Martin left the team midseason. Overall, I've been pleasantly surprised with people's reaction to it. There have been defenders of hazing, and the "man-up" philosophy of sports and masculinity, but those have mainly been from the periphery. Mainstream sports pundits have roundly criticized the concept.  Also, I've learned that some coaches have banned hazing, on the sensible idea that singling out some team members for negative treatment is going to take away from the team feeling.

A lot has been made of the fact that so many teammates have taken Incognito's side. Though I would point out that none of them have been saying he did what he was accused of doing, and I support that. Rather, they've been saying that they never saw the sort of behaviour he's been accused of.

Honestly, I don't think they're lying. The fact is that bullying is often less clear than we expect. I say that slightly reluctantly, because that aspect of the story has pushed some journalists away. That's one complaint I do have about the coverage: once the teammates started denying Martin's characterization, I noticed a few journalists start to gloss over the story, saying little more than, "it's complicated." And I'm sure, saying to themselves, thank God I don't have to care about that anymore.

Well the fact is, it can be complicated. Bullying can be inconsistent, done in private, or done in a perverse attempt at friendship. Victims may cover their torment out of embarrassment, an attempt to fit in, or an attempt at placating the bully. And bystanders may not see everything because they don't have the experience to see the signs, or because they just want to believe everything is all right. Hopefully this story will be a learning experience for all of us.

Things The Teenage Me Would Never Have Believed About The Future, #10

You know how Toronto is always concerned about their image, and trying to appear "World Class?"  Well, it will take just one week to undo all that effort.

You See, I'm Slightly Left Of Centre

Years ago I read Boom, Bust and Echo about the effects that demographics have on society.  I've always taken an interest in that sort of thing.  So I've been prepared for many nuances of Generation-X's trajectory through life.  I was ready to have difficulty getting promoted as Baby Boomers held higher corporate positions.  I was ready housing bubbles as the Boomers downsized from their empty nests.  I was ready for the negatives that population shifts would send my way.

But I was not ready for commercials trying to make adult undergarments cool.  I realize it makes sense; as the Boomers move on to the senior years, there's going to be more seniors' products being marketed.  But that is still small comfort when the Tena Twist jingle is going through my head.  And if that guy asking people to try them on for charity ever approaches me, I'm going to tell him where to stick his adult undergarments.  Then I'm going to explain that I meant it in a figurative and insulting way, not a literal, recommended-product-use way.

And I was not ready for the erectile-dysfunction ads.  I know they've been roundly ridiculed already, but to me the funniest part is not the four-hour-erection warning.  The silliest thing is how they have replaced tampons as the products we have to advertise while only hinting at what they actually do.  For instance, these endless Cialas ads use parents carving out time for themselves as an implication of sex.  But my biggest concern is the effect they'll be having on children, who must be second-guessing everything their parents say now.  "Good news, my mother says I can stay out past my curfew...Oh My God! My parents are having sex!"

Still Waiting For The McDLT

The McRib is back!  Actually, I don't really care, I've never had one.  But lots of people love it; just this week I heard someone try ordering it at the local food court, and was disappointed that our fun-size McDonalds doesn't carry it.

A while back, I heard a claim that the reason the McRib is only offered intermittently is that it all comes down to pork prices.  Over the past decade, it seems that the McRib was always introduced when the price of pork went down.  So I checked out current prices; they have indeed gone down, though not dramatically. 

I wonder what else they could apply it to.  I see the price of lamb took a big dip about eighteen months ago; they missed a chance to bring in the McMutton. 

Lyrics Belong Only On Cassette Liner-Notes

The music industry is moving to shut down lyric web sites. If you've ever wondered at the lyrics of a song, and thought to Google "<name of song> lyrics", you know that there are a number of sites that are storehouses of song lyrics submitted by other users. Being non-professional, they aren't necessarily correct, but it's easier, faster and less embarrassing than just asking your friends.  But the top fifty such sites have been served with cease & desist orders.

Unlike most techies, I'm actually okay with people protecting intellectual property. I was still in university when music piracy was starting to become big, and I was one of the few people trying to explain to everyone that file sharing was illegal, and frankly immoral. One of the big songs at the time was Elton John's rerecording of "Candle in the Wind," which was sold for charity, so I tried using it to demonstrate the problem with not paying for music. And as a long time fan of independent music, my mental picture of a musician is more needy that most, so I understand their need to get whatever money is due the them.

Yet, this lyrics crackdown is an example of what I hate about copyright. The argument is that these lyric sites - which make money off advertising - are making money off of other people's creations. That's true, but the fact is that no one else is making money off them. Absolutely no one is going to not buy music because they can read the lyrics on line. And the musicians/record companies are not providing the lyrics themselves. So no one is being prevented from making money by the lyric sites. I could understand their concern if artists or labels were publishing lyrics make money off advertising themselves. It would be a good idea if they did have official lyric sites.  I'd gladly use them, as they'd be more reliable. I might finally learn the opening words to "Sing Me Spanish Techno."

What do you hear?  Lyrics sites are divided between "go to now" and "don't you know."   But it still sounds like "go to hell" to me.  Oh, and remember, you have to buy the album now that you've watched the video.

But no one is making money legally off the lyrics; the lyrics sites are providing a service that the record labels are not willing to, so the record labels and artists are not hurt by them, and they will not gain anything from their disappearance. In other words, I'm okay with protecting the money you make off your own creations, but that doesn't mean you have to prevent anyone else from making money off of them.

From China Without Love

Today was Singles Day in China.  It's an unofficial holiday in which young people celebrate being single.  It's become so popular that it is now biggest online shopping day in the world, putting The West's Valentine's Day to shame. I feel a great satisfaction to see my single brethren win the game of global capitalism.

Most news stories about this are just seeing it as yet another piece of evidence that China is taking over the world. But you could also see it as evidence of China's demographic problems. Their One-Child policy is well known, and combined with male-preferring cultural traditions, it's led to selective abortions and far more sinister ways of ensuring that one child is male. Thus, China has a generation in which men greatly outnumber women, and a lot of single men.

Those are some disturbing overtones to this story, so I'm trying to look at the positive: the Chinese started a rather melancholy holiday as a joke, and they ran with it. I'd love to see more of this from China. During their ascent, they've been portrayed as either an unemotional machine, or as a cryptic, alien culture. But this makes them seem human, and likable.

It's a lot like Japan in the eighties. I grew up during their economic rise, and they were portrayed the same way in media. Today they don't seem scary at all. Their economic stagnation had certainly played a part in that, but the culture they expected had a lot to do with that too, from video games to anime to sushi. It's hard to fear people once you know that they created Hello Kitty.

I'm a Uniter, Not a Divider

Yesterday I implied that hockey and curling represent different ends of the Canadian cultural spectrum. So what can bring this country together? NHL endorsed curling brooms!

Does That Make Four Solitudes?

When people talk about the Summit Series, they often talk about the national soul-searching that came with realizing we might not be the best in the world at Hockey, which seemed to be the only way we defined ourselves. But we won the series, so we managed to avoid all that.

And during the Rob Ford Crack Crisis, I now think I know what it would have been like if we had lost, and actually had to redefine ourselves.  A lot of people are noting that the dichotomy of Ford vs. Canadian stereotypes is evidence of Canada's two emerging personalities.  I'd have to agree.  And by coincidence, I came across this chart which I made months ago but never got around to posting:

Sport	Hockey	Curling
Liberal Prime Minister	Jean Chretien	Pierre Trudeau
Mulroney Cabinet Member	John Crosbie	Joe Clark
80' Rock Group	April Wine	Rush
Current Rock Group	Nickleback	Arcade Fire
TV Network	CTV	CBC
Adult-Contemporary Singer	Shania	Feist
TV Comic	Rick Mercer	Ron James
Hockey Analyst	Don Cherry	Dave Hodge
Nation-Defining Celebration	Vancouver 2010	Expo 67
Newfoundland Premier	Danny Williams	Clyde Wells
Hip-Hop Star	Drake	K'Naan
Definitive Degrassi Series	Degrassi TNG	Degrassi Junior High
Toronto Newspaper	Toronto Sun	Toronto Star
Supposedly National Toronto Newspaper	National Post	Globe and Mail
Music Awards	Junos	Polaris
Toronto's Football Team	Bills	Argos
Toronto Mayor	Rob Ford	David Miller

What's weird is that even as we change our national personality, we still seem to hold on to pride in our stereotypical character. 

This Could Be Anywhere In The World

The German word schadenfreude means taking joy in another's misfortune. Usually when anyone mentions it, they have to make a joke about how only the Germans would need such a word. I like to point out that the English language apparently needs such a word too, which is apparent since we adopted the German word.  And at least the Germans didn't try to avoid responsibility by co-opting someone else's word.

Anyway, there's now a word defined in Urban Dictionary, schadenforde. It's deriving pleasure from the misfortune of Toronto mayor Rob Ford. Of course, there's been plenty of opportunity to do exactly that in recent months.
 
But I find myself having a sort of second-order schadenforde, in which I take pleasure in watching others experience misfortune as they realize they have a racist, lying, multi-addicted, irresponsible bully as mayor, and a lot of the city wants it that way. No, this isn't an I-hate-Toronto situation: as I said a few months back, I've made some amount of peace with the city. Besides, part of my guilty pleasure comes from the fact that really, Rob Ford could have happened anywhere.

All it takes is a large number of people who don't normally follow politics and have an unfocused anger. That describes a lot of cities.  We've known for a while that there are a lot of voters who don't really follow the news, feel highly persecuted in spite of living a comfortable life, and feel very little connection with other people in their community.  It's a big problem, but we've always looked the other way.  Finally we have a more accurate picture of our society and the people in it.

Gag Me With A Greasy Spoon

This weekend I went to Wimpy's diner. Like many modern diners, it goes for a fifties aesthetic. And, like many modern diners, it isn't always accurate in its depiction. I don't mind if the food is not necessarily straight from the decade (I ordered a wrap) but the decor could be better. For instance, there are a bunch of records tacked to the wall. I tried to check what the records were, but the only label I could read while seated turned out to be Howard Jones. I could have given them a pass on a fifties-flavoured eighties artist like Huey Lewis, but not a only-in-the-eighties synth-abuser. It didn't help that the muzak played the Pet Shop Boys shortly after.

That brings up something I'd like to see: an eighties-oriented eatery. But an eighties diner wouldn't make much sense: diners use fifties style because they're a part of that decade's culture. So what form would an eighties eatery take? I'm envisioning a fast food place. Yes, I know, fast food is older that that, but it seemed to come of age in the eighties. We had "where's the beef?", non-ironic use of The Burger King, and the more-than-occasional Grimace sighting.

I see a fast food place that is unapologetic - no modernist architecture and urban-cafe interior styling - I want all rounded-plastic furniture. All the food comes in Styrofoam containers.  You can't order drinks: you take the Pepsi Challenge and you're stuck with whatever wins.  Fifties-style diners usually have the "mens" and "womens" on the washroom doors signified by pictures of Elvis and Marilyn Monroe.  Instead, we'll have Michael Jackson and Madonna.

I'm hoping some of this will actually happen. As we approach 2015, the year they went to in Back To The Future II, someone will make a real Café 80's.

Rear-Window Confessional

I know I've already complained about the stick figure families on the back of SUV's and minivans. It's a trend that doesn't look like it's going away. On the contrary, there are now lots of variations: aside from showing the family doing their favourite activities, you can also have them wearing the uniform of their favourite sports team. Or you can show your family as zombies. Or Star Wars characters. Speaking of which: if you're depicting R2-D2 as part of your family, doors that represent your pet or your child? Or your Roomba?

What's interesting is how they tell stories about a family. Not so much if you have a stereotypical family with a stick-father, stick-mother, and 2.2 stick-kids. But if I see just one parent and kids, I feel sympathy for what they've been through. I suppose you'd only put your kids on if you have exclusive custody: otherwise you'd want to just have a dotted outline of your kids.

On the other hand, if it's two parents and no kids, it feels like they're rubbing it in. They're saying, not only are we unimpeded by children, we're still young and innocent enough to use this meme that was intended for children. On the other hand, it's so sad to see a minivan with two parent stickers but no kids, they've probably been trying for a while.

Sometimes the stickers tell a weird story. Once I saw men playing hockey, two men drinking, a couple of kids, and three dogs. I'd love to know the story behind that.

So rather that be angry about this trend, I've become supportive of it. It's our culture's attempt to tell stories through pictures, the way the Maori use tattoos. Don't stop at displaying your familial arrangements; tell your whole life story in your back window. Maybe I'll have some sympathy for you when you cut me off if I can see your unhappy childhood in the process.

Cool New Product

I just heard on the radio that scientists have created a reverse microwave.  That is, a device that can chill things at speeds similar to a microwave.  At least I'm hoping they have: The only online references I can find are at food sites and local radio, newspapers and TV stations that aren't usually the media outlets of record.  You'd think technology sites would be all over this, but they don't seem to have reported it.  And there's no mention of it on Wikipedia, so it doesn't exist.  But then, neither does this blog, so I'm going to assume the reverse microwave exists.

And that's great, because I've wanted one of these for a while.  I had always assumed that it would violate some of the laws of thermodynamics, so I had given up hope.  It's being billed as a great alternative way of cooling drinks, since it would take less energy than keeping drinks cool continuously in a fridge.  But that's not why I wanted it: I wanted it to cool hot food.  In particular, food that's too hot because it came out of a microwave.

And that's the device I'm going to wish for now: a combination microwave/reverse-microwave.  You can use the microwave function to heat the food, and if it turns out to be too hot, you just use the reverse microwave function to cool it.  Of course, if the reverse-microwave function is as unpredictable as modern microwaves, you may end up overdoing it and making it cooler than you'd like.  So you'll have to use the heating and cooling back and forth, trying to zero-in on your ideal temperature.  You'll finally have food that's at the right temperature, and the only cost is using twice the power.  Thanks science!

Spy Vs. Spy

I've been thinking about this latest more-or-less admission by the U.S. government that they've been spying on the leaders of supposed allies. It makes one recall the start of the Obama administration, when many - particularly in Europe - saw him so optimistically due to nothing more than the fact that he wasn't George W Bush. But, outside of not starting a war of choice, it's hard to see how his foreign policies would be any different.

The depressing part is that I don't really believe Obama is all that similar to Bush in terms of his priorities beliefs and tendencies. So I'm really wondering how much it matters who the President is.

I hate to say that because such it-doesn't-matter-who's-in-office sentiments usually come from either activists so radical that all others seem the same to them, or from the politically disconnected looking to justify their apathy.

But here's the most damning realisation of American behaviour: it really just comes down to what they can get away with. That is, there's no sense of a limit to morally acceptable behaviour. There isn't even a coldly pragmatic strategy to be nice to those who could turn out to be useful later. There's just an increasing drive to do anything that can be done until someone stops them. Or to put it another way, the U.S. had become the world's Tea Party.

You Shoulda Taken That Left Turn At Albuquerque

Something happened to me today that hadn't happened in a while: a driver stopped on the street to ask me for directions. As a frequent walker, this used to happen all the time. Either I've become less approachable as I've aged, or GPS systems have reduced the number of lost people.

The strangest directions I've been asked for was when I was walking to class in Waterloo, and someone asked how to get to Toronto. I was trying to think of a polite way to say, you've got to be kidding, when it occurred to me that it was easy: I told him to turn right at King Street, then turn when you get to the 401. Then I walked away before he realized that I was directing him through both Kitchener and Waterloo. But hey, you asks for directions, you takes your chances.

Another time an American stopped me at a gas station (fittingly, it was near that 401 interchange that I had directed the other guy to.) He asked how to get to the border. I asked which border, Detroit or Buffalo? That should have been his first hint that he was in over his head, and he should just go back into the gas station and buy a map. Which is also what I should have told him: I'm not trying to avoid helping you, but I guarantee that in about an hour, you're going to wish you had paid five bucks for a map.

The weird part is that during our mangled discussion of how to get to Buffalo, he kept asking, "Is this the 401?" I continually assured him that it was. When he seemed to understand enough to get on his way, he hit the road - up King Street and back into Kitchener. It then hit me: when he was asking if "this" is the 401, meant the street the gas station was on, not the superhighway just down the road. Now he was going to drive through Kitchener and Waterloo, looking for a highway that would take him to Niagara Falls, and getting even more lost. So somewhere in Buffalo there's a guy with a poor sense of direction and hostility towards Canadians.

Ack! Knee!

I've heard older people make this complaint before, and now I have to admit I'm experiencing it too. It's the overlap between young-people health problems and old-people health problems.  One would think that there would be some interval in between when your body finally works properly and you can focus your worry on finding jobs and relationships.

But no, it doesn't work that way.  My knee has started hurting. I don't participate in any sports, so unless my St. Louis Rams fandom has caused Sam Bradford sympathy pain, I can only blame it on the suddenly cold and wet weather.  It doesn't get any older than joint pain and weather-predicting pain.

And yet, at the same time I'm experiencing that, I have acne. It still happens from time to time.  Most recently it became notable because of the location: on my nose, approximately one drinking glass width above my lips.  But finally I can say, at least it will distract people from my limp.

The Electronic Slide

A new feature I've been using on my phone is trace typing. On the standard Android virtual keyboard, you don't have to hit each key individually, Blackberry-typing-style. Instead, you can just slide your finger/thumb over the keyboard to each of the letters in your word. It will infer from the path which word you meant. I don't know many devices this is available on; even if it has Android, a phone/tablet may have a proprietary keyboard, so it may not work for you. But you can still download Google's standard Android keyboard.

I've been critical of phone technology in the past, and recently of Google itself, but I have to admit, I'm amazed at how well this works. I've been using the slide technique to type this entire article so far, and although I've had to retype the odd word when my movements were a little careless, it's managed to recognize each word. In fact, it's very good at interpreting sloppy traces around the keyboard, even when my thumb careens wildly around resembling Tim Tebow's throwing motion. For instance, when I typed, "movements" I just sent my thumb back and forth across the board, only in the general direction of the needed keys, yet it somehow made sense my virtual scribble.

It's taken some getting used to. Twenty years of touch typing have left my brain with no conscious awareness of where the letters on a qwerty keyboard are. So I sometimes forget where I'm going half way through a word, and make a wrong turn. Yet it manages to figure out my intentions anyway a lot of the time. Okay, as I'm typing that, I had one of those lost moments, and turned "intentions" into "injunctions."

My point is, this is the opposite of so much artificially intelligent things that try to be helpful but misunderstands you even when you're trying to be clear. Finally here's A.I. tech that exceeds expectations.

American Excess

During the war in Afghanistan, a Canadian base hosted a Tim Hortons to serve the soldiers. Thus, many of their American counterparts got to see Canadians ordering coffee for the first time, and were thus introduced to the phrase, "Double-Double" (Canadianism for coffee with double cream and double sugar.) Supposedly the American soldiers responded by inventing the "four-by-four," which is four creams and four sugars.

That just seemed excessive to me. It seems like an attitude of "anything you can do I can do better, even if I look foolish and endanger my own health in the process."

That incident came back to me as I was watching the baseball playoffs this week. The Boston Red Sox have been growing beards as a symbol of team unity or a good luck charm or something.  I don't know if it was directly inspired by the hockey tradition of playoff beards, but it's already gone further. The Sox are now more hirsute than a veteran hockey player after the NHL's marathon postseason. 

Like the double double, hockey playoff beards were pushing the bounds of sensibility already. Yet when Americans get involved, they have to take it even further too far. I wouldn't mind so much except that their excess causes us to keep thinking of ourselves as sensible, even when we're only sensible by comparison.

Kansas, And Friends Of Dorothy

I just saw this article of U.S. census stats that shows something surprising: Seattle has passed San Francisco as the American city with the highest proportion of gay households. It's not by much, but it does show that our perception of cities isn't always accurate. San Fran is second, with Minneapolis third. Hopefully now they can be more honest about their relationship with St. Paul. Yeah, sure, you're "twin" cities. That's why you spend so much time together.

At the other end of the scale, El Paso has the fewest gay households. Fort Worth is next, so we can assume they'll continue to disguise their relationship with Dallas using macho names like "Metroplex." And then there's Colorado Springs, which is also a major military site, so we'll see if that status survives the end of Don't Ask Don't Tell.

But the reason I found these stats interesting is the gender breakdown. Part of the reason for Seattle getting to number one is that they have a close-to-equal ratio of male and female couples, while San Francisco's gay community is disproportionately male.

And that brings up a question I've long wondered about: when we think of gay areas in major cities, we usually think of gay men. But lesbians have to live some place too. So where do they live? According to the article, the answer is Wichita, Kansas.  There, 88% of gay couples are female, the highest proportion in the nation. 

So I Googled "Wichita Lesbian Neighborhood" to see what came up.  It was surprisingly tame.  The results didn't mention any particular part of the city, but there is one lesbian bar, and using Street View, here it is:

 So now you know what a lesbian neighbourhood looks like.

The Seven Unintelligible Grunts You Can't Say On Television

There's something I've noticed while watching football.  I don't know if it's the "miked up" players, or maybe a new breakthrough in parabolic microphone technology, but it seems like we're catching snippets of the players swearing more often.  This might be evidence of society getting a little more comfortable with profanity; in the past few years we've become less scared of The Finger, so spoken offence must be the next taboo.

Maybe football's background swearing is on purpose: the networks could be softening us up so that they have more freedom to use strong language on their other shows.  Reality shows would be much easier to edit. Swearing would make for easy cheap jokes on sitcoms.  And to think those cultural puritans thought the Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction scandal at the Super Bowl a few years ago was the worst effect football ever had on popular culture.

Purposeful or not, it could be a redefinition of what is acceptable on TV.  I feel like George Carlin must be smiling down on us...

...or not.

Now Let Me Tell You How Hard It Was To Publish That Last Post

I haven't posted in a couple of days, since my difficulties getting the last post online had me close to throwing the computer out the window.  See?  I'm so mad I couldn't even come up with less clichéd way to describe my anger.

I won't recount all of it, but it began with my not being able to upload the flow chart graphic directly from my computer.  That is likely due to the security set up of my browser, so I don't blame anyone for that.  But I then launched into an hour of bouncing the file between my computer, phone, and tablet, using Google's Drive online storage, the Blogger app and website, and the phone and tablet photo galleries.  Something as simple as moving files around is made difficult by both bugs and sparse touch-screen interfaces.

This is all in spite of the fact that Blogger, Drive, and the Android operating system on my phone and tablet, are all Google products.  So let me be the first to say it: Google has turned into Microsoft.   A company that turned a good product from years ago into an empire of buggy software, spreading itself too thin by trying to take on all markets at once, resulting in applications that are supposed to work together but don't, and never get fixed.

You're Either With Us Or Against Us

The American shutdown is over, and financial meltdown has been avoided. I didn't think there could be anything more annoying than politicians apocalyptic threats and the media's endless discussion thereof, but there is: non-political people casting vague blame at all of congress.

Certainly both parties have done plenty of things that would have you hating both. But I'm not talking about building up a long term hate for all of congress, in talking about people who blame both sides for the shutdown. There isn't really a justification for that point of view:

Consider Cthulhu

Today I found out about a web site called, "I Write Like."  It will analyse a sample of text and determine which author your writing style is most like.  Needless to say, that was an hour of productivity out the window.  I put my most recent blog posts in, and these are the authors it chose:

• I Still Think Digital Watches Are A Pretty Neat Idea - David Foster Wallace  
• Advanced Tweetology - David Foster Wallace  
• Well York U Too - H. P. Lovecraft  
• It Won't Work - HP Lovecraft
• One Of My Biggest Pet Peeves Is - David Foster Wallace
• Politics From the Fifth Dimension - David Foster Wallace

...thus giving me the third time in recent weeks that I've name dropped David Foster Wallace.  That may sound pretentious, but I deserve it dammit; I read all of Infinite Jest, even the endnotes, so I deserve some post-modern literary swagger.  And just to see if my writing style has changed in the year-and-a-half that I've written this blog, I tried one of my earliest posts, and the author gave me was Dan Brown. So then I tried some other sites:

• Wired - Cory Doctorow
• The Onion - Dan Brown
• Stereogum - David Foster Wallace

So Dan Brown is really taking a beating in this post.  I also compared news sites, each of them on a report of today's shutdown resolution:

• BBC - William Shakespeare
• CBC - David Foster Wallace
• CNN - William Shakespeare
• Fox News - Mario Puzo

Speaking of authors I've name dropped recently, this all started with a post on John Scalzi's blog in which he asked fans what authors he has a similar style to.  Someone fed a sample of one of his book Old Man's War into I Write Like, and the result was James Fenimore Cooper.  I put the blog post itself in, and it chose H.P. Lovecraft.

And finally, I put the first page of David Foster Wallace's essay, Consider the Lobster in for analysis, and the author chosen was, again, H.P. Lovecraft.

I Still Think Digital Watches Are A Pretty Neat Idea

Samsung has been promoting its new smart watch, using cute references to old sci-fi. So there you go: radio/TV watches were only the poor cousins to jet packs and flying cars among cliches of the future, but it appears it's the only one were getting any time soon.

I'd like to buy one just to reward them for including the Babylon 5 clips, but really, I'm still not convinced. Ironically, I stopped wearing a watch when I got a mobile phone, since the phone can do the watch's job of telling the time occasionally. I don't think I'm about to go to a watch that can also be a phone.

But this brings up another watch-technology question of mine: why can't we make a good looking digital watch?  You can get digital watches that are quite expensive (even without resorting to a smart watch) and that do lots of impressive things that I'm sure some triathlon trainee somewhere makes use of. But they still have the same ancient seven-segment display that digital readouts have used since before I was born. We have high-resolution displays in other devices, so is it asking too much to put a more elegant font in there?  You could have a nice elegant watch with Times New Roman, or a arty, minimalist watch with Helvetica.  Get on it Samsung!