The Best Games You Can Name

I just saw an ad for the video game Civilization VI. It’s been out for a while, but ever since it’s introduction, they’ve had difficulty getting players to upgrade from Civilization V. But I might be convinced thanks to a new expansion for it, which adds a number of new scenarios and new civilizations you can take on.

If you’re not familiar with it, the Civilization series has you controlling one of the great empires of history, exploring the world, expanding your territory, dealing with other nations. For the most part, the empires play the same, though they are each given unique abilities. For instance, the Iroquois are able to move their units through forests more quickly, and the Mongols can create powerful mounted archers.

What has me excited is that they’re adding Canada as one of the civilizations you can play as.

So what sort of unique abilities will we have in the game?

• Can get more production out of tundra territories, allowing you to use land that other civilizations ignore (more or less accurate)
• Your unique troops: the Mounties (You kind of had to go with that)
• Extra diplomatic abilities prevent allies from turning on you and pre-emptively attacking (a little stereotypical)
• You can build hockey rinks to improve your civilization’s morale and culture (okay, now you’re just making fun of us.)

So that got me thinking about what other video games could use a Canadian edition:

• Pokémon Go: the game is the same, but it’s presented as an episode of Hinterland Who’s Who
• Need For Speed: can you keep up with 401 traffic in a blizzard?
• Madden: renamed Buono and played with CFL rules
• Bioshock: It's a nice, orderly underwater community where everyone respects the law. Until the cod fishery is shut down, then all hell breaks loose.
• Asteroids: no guns; you have to grab the asteroids with the Canadarm
• Guitar Hero Rush Edition: for experts only
• Metal Gear Solid: the stealth classic is made more challenging by Snake’s inability to stop saying, “Sorry” and “Excuse Me”
• Red Dead Redemption: the Mounties show up and prevent the game from happening
• Frostpunk: if you're not familiar with it, this game is about building a city in an inhospitable frozen environment. Not only is no Canadian edition necessary, I think we should sue them for copyright infringement or something.

Top Ten Good Things About Donald Trump Winning The Election

10. No need to listen to years of "It was rigged!"
9. Make America Great Again? More like Make The Daily Show Great Again!
8. Years from now, when you meet a young man named "Donnie," you'll already know plenty about his parents.
7. Conservatives have bought about all the survivalist gear they'll ever need; it's time for liberals to get in on it.
6. All the commemorative country songs.
5. ...and all the hilarious products Trump himself will sell to commemorate his win.
4. We can spend the next few months watching the media slowly realize that Trump really is President, and it's not that entertaining.
3. Assuming the pattern goes full-circle, we'll now get intelligent, polite, experienced reality stars.
2. Now that we have a new paradigm for successful political personalities, it will be fun watching other candidates try to copy it.
1. Deep-down, we all know it: this is the Karmic price for the Cubs winning the World Series

Eighteen Months Of Insanity

I'm headed back to my media-proof bunker for the next twenty-four hours. But if you want to read even more about the American election, here's a list of all my posts about it.

April, 2015

Hillary Begins The Ascent - ah, a more innocent time when the biggest problem for Hillary Clinton was that people kept calling her by her first name

July, 2015

Where Devils Fear To Tread - a negative impact from Donald Trump's campaign, win or lose

August, 2015

And Now Here It Is, Your Moment Of Absolute Panic - I'm first onto the Trump-is-scary-not-funny bandwagon

Electioneering: No Surprises - I make a clever explanation of Donald Trump's popularity, and a not-so-clever predition about his election success

October, 2015

Split The Difference - the difficulty in finding a candidate that appeals to everyone (bonus: I make a brilliant election prediction)

That's The News, And I Am Outta Here - about Trump's SNL hosting

November, 2015

Two Rails Are Safe, Let's Try The Third - outlining how Trump may Go Too Far

February, 2016

One Nightmare Down, Three To Go - I come up with several nightmare scenarios for the election, none of which are Trump winning the nomination

March, 2016

A Rare Right Turn - NASCAR's sort-of but not-really endorsement of Donald Trump

May, 2016

Cruz In For A Bruisin' - Poor Ted Cruz, he tried so hard

Preparing For The Trump Influx - a less serious discussion of how Canada can deal with Americans fleeing their country after a Trump election win.

June, 2016

Whistlin' Yankee - how Trump has changed how politicians refer to controversial topics

July, 2016

A Sudden Sense of Liberty - I tackle the old question of why relgious Americans love Donald Trump so much

August, 2016

A Smear To Far - the aftermath of Trump's attack on Captain Khan's family

Politically Incorrect Humour - I try in vain to convince non-political-junkies not to try doing political jokes during this election

Scar Tissue - I look at conservatives and their taste in 90's music

September, 2016

Lies, Damned Lies, And Satire - how comedians and talk shows have handled the election

October, 2016

Going Back For Thirds - a quick rundown of third-party candidates

Surveying The Slightly Insulted - how minorities not targetted by Trump have reacted to him

Do Rats Get Adorable Little Lifeboats To Abandon Sinking Ships? - the sexual assault accusations against Donald Trump and their effects on his candidacy

Try To Keep Up - more aftermath of Trump's sex assault issue

Peace Offering - the morality of Democrats paying for a firebombed Republican office

November, 2016

This Is On You - the effects of gender on Hillary Clinton's likability

I Know You Are But What Am I - the single weirdest thing about Donald Trump's campaign

Eighters Gonna Eight

I see Niagara Falls has a campaign on to get named as the eighth wonder of the world. Normally I'm supportive of this nearby landmark. Having grown up with it, I don't find out as awe-inspiring as some. But I do love how it so seamlessly blends natural beauty, dignified spectacle, and the downright cheesy.

However, I can't support this campaign. For illustration, here is the original list of wonders:

Original Seven Wonders

• Great Pyramid of Giza
• Hanging Gardens of Babylon
• Statue of Zeus at Olympia
• Temple of Artemis at Ephesus
• Mausoleum at Halicarnassus
• Colossus of Rhodes
• Lighthouse of Alexandria

There have been many newer attempts to make a list. Probably the biggest was from a Swiss group in 2007. Here's the list they came up with:

New Seven Wonders

• Great Wall of China
• Petra, Jordan
• Christ the Redeemer, Rio
• Machu Picchu
• Chichen Itza, Mexico
• Roman Colosseum
• Taj Mahal

plus the Great Pyramid of Giza was an honorary member as the only remaining member of the original seven.

What do they all have in common? They're all artificial. Specifically, they are all amazing, awe-inspiring structures, things that make you wonder how they were built, and hopefully not realize that the answer is usually, "slaves."

This seems to be a problem for Canadians in general. While that 2007 list was being compiled, the CBC had their own campaign to get people to nominate their choices for the seven wonders of Canada. Here's their list:

Seven Wonders of Canada

• The Canoe
• The Igloo
• Niagara Falls
• Old Quebec
• Pier 21, Halifax
• Prairie Skies
• The Rockies

So three are natural, two are just general items, and only two actually fit the original pattern of notable structures. And neither of them is really that wondrous, but just historic.

To be clear, I've got nothing against a country defining its identity through nature or common experiences rather than expensive showing-off. Actually it’s quite impressive: Honestly, how many countries could get to our level of prosperity and only feel the need to build one totally phallic megastructure.

But that doesn't mean you can just change the topic when people are discussing something else. If I'm asked to name my proudest athletic achievement, I can't just start talking about getting 100% on a math test, even if I've decided that's more important to me.

So I’d like to see a list of artificial Canadian wonders, even if it turns out to be less impressive than the natural ones. It turns out Toronto Star Architecture & Urban Planning critic Christopher Hume has already made his own such list. It doesn't make direct reference to nature-centred efforts to define us, but does seem conscious of that tendency of ours.

So here’s my list:

• CN Tower
• Trans-continental railroad
• St. Lawrence Seaway
• Confederation Bridge
• L’Anse aux Meadows
• Château Frontenac
• Stanley Park Totem Poles

Just so you know, the same people who came up with the New Seven Wonders also had a list of seven natural wonders:

• Iguazu Falls, Argentina and Brazil
• Jeju Island, South Korea
• Komodo Island, Indonesia
• Puerto Princesa Underground River, Philippines
• Table Mountain, Cape Town
• Halong Bay, Vietnam
• Amazon Rainforest, South America

How the hell did the Great Barrier Reef not make it? Anyway, the only Canadian thing on the short list was the Bay of Fundy.

Let's Pretend I Looked Up A Pokémon Reference And Made It Into A Headline Pun

While I was in Kitchener's Victoria park today, I decided to count people playing Pokemon Go. No, I wasn't spying on people, I just looked for people walking along holding out their phone, glancing between it and their surroundings, looking slightly confused. I counted forty in less than an hour, and that's not counting everyone gathered around the Gazebo which must be the local PokeStop (didn't even have to look that word up - I'm actually learning the game by osmosis.)

I've never been into Pokemon, personally. I was a little too adult when it came out in the late nineties, so now I can't really be one of the adults who are currently playing it. It's unfortunate, because I'm intrigued about a new style of gameplay. But having said that, I signed up for Ingress, the previous agumented-reality game from the same company. I never really got into it, because it seemed like a lot of work to get into. Okay, I have to join a faction, mod my resonator, collect more items, and then maybe, just maybe, I can claim the local portal, that is the statue in the park down the street. So maybe it's not for me. I guess I like my reality either virtual or straight-up.

I find it amusing that people aren't really sure how to react to the game's success. It's a video game, and it's popular with Millennials, so everyone's gut reaction is to hate it. And yet there's a surprising amount of positivity coming out of it. From encouraging people to exercise, to helping them to meet people, It's forcing people to look at gaming in a new way. And anything that pushes Candy Crush off the top of the charts must be a good thing.

And I also I have to congratulate Nintendo. Yes, I usually resent them for overwriting my childhood gaming experience out of the pop-cultural collective memory. But I also have to respect how many times they can get up off the mat by embracing something new. We'll have to remember this ten years from now when their latest console has been a failure and we're still waiting for the latest Zelda game: Don't worry, they'll find a way out of it again, probably with MarioVR.

But Pokemon Go has got me thinking about what other classic games could be turned into an augmented-reality game. How about:

• Pac-man

  Streets make up the maze, and you - as Pac-man - go down the street, eating the dots, and avoiding ghosts. You have to get up early in the morning to get to the dots on your street before anyone else, then wander the back streets looking for power pellets. And just imagine the confusion for non-players when dozens of people suddenly turn and run away down a city street when they see a ghost coming.

• Mario Kart

  Your daily commute will be so much more entertaining when you can fire virtual turtle shells at people.

• Tetris

  Blocks fall from the sky, and you have to slot them between your city's buildings. The great thing about this game is that it will encourage people to go downtown because play will be pretty boring in the suburbs.

• Any MMORPG

  They involve a lot of wandering around exploring, so why not do it in the real world?

• Civilization

  You try to build a little civilization around your home or workplace, and try to conquer your neighbour.

• SimCity

  Instead of zoning a hypothetical city, why not fix the city you actually live in. You don't have to walk through your crappy neighbourhood anymore, just look in your phone and it will show you what the place would look like if you were in charge.

• Grand Theft Auto

  This would have to work with an Uber-style service. Getting a ride will be so much more exciting when you have to stage a virtual carjacking to get it.

• The Sims

  Create a Sim and then escort it through its virtual day. Take it to an actual workplace to do a job, then go to a restaurant to get it virtual food. Now, you hate your life? You can create a better one and actually live it.

Reasons To Cheer For The Blue Jays This Year

• Not the Yankees
• If they can win by battering their opponents with excessive offence, image the hilarious teams that will be assembled over the coming years.
• "Longest playoff drought in pro sports" title will get passed to the Buffalo Bills.
• Remember when Dan Quayle predicted the Braves would win in ‘92? Well there’s plenty of opportunity for that to happen again.
• Also, not the Red Sox.
• If Toronto FC can hold on too, the Leafs would be the only T.O. team that misses the playoffs this year.
• Definitely a non-zero chance that this will open a portal to the early nineties, allowing us to go back and correct the mistakes of the last twenty years.
• Expansion teams with long and interesting histories really annoy baseball traditionalists.
• As in 92/93, playoff run coincides with an election, resulting in lots of audience signs that Americans will never understand
• Marines have just about got that upside-down flag thing figured out.
• Fanatic support for Jays and Raptors may finally convince Canadian sports media that we care about more than one sport.
• If all their success comes with the traditional uniform/logo, you’ll never have to live with another cartoony rebranding
• The longer they play, the chance for Expedia to make more ads with Ace going through customs. They haven’t even shown him with the TSA agents yet. Think of potential for a "No Fly List" joke.
• There aren’t any Muslim baseball players, so a Canadian team winning the World Series is about the only way to piss-off Curt Schilling.
• Stuffed parrot sales haven't been this high since the heyday of Monty Python.
• If the Jays win the World Series this year, you won't have to listen to fans complain about the game's unfair economics for at least another decade.

Smartphoning It In

I was going to write a post here, but there seems to be an embargo against producing any new content in a communication medium this time of year.  One is only allowed to produce retrospectives and best-of lists.  What am I supposed to do, my ten most obscure post titles?

Well, they do have some stats here at blogger let's see what we can do.  Here are my most popular posts of the year (and thus all time):

1. Keep Calm and Something Ironic
2. Prodigious Firestarters
3. I Think You Can Read 'Bout Dyson
4. Katy Perry doesn't get Demographics
5. Beeb Fever
6. Olympic Butthole Surfers
7. How Not to Look Foolish on the Internet
8. Jason Lets Slip His Quaint Media Experience
9. Cracking the Maclean's Code
10. Hockey Night in the Eastern Bloc