In Zelda We Trust

Yesterday, while virtual-driving in Gran Turismo I tried driving on the all-ice track for the first time.  And then today, I had to drive in icy conditions for he first time this year.  I guess the practice was useful.  Though I assure you I was much more careful in real life, rarely attempting to drift through the turns on Highway 7.

(As an aside, thank you, Samsung spell checker, for interpreting "Gran Turismo" as "Grain Tourism."  I notice it had no problem spelling "Samsung," however.  Let me try something: "Hyundai."  I think overly nationalistic programmers have made it to only work reliably with Korean names.  "Seoul," "kimchi,"  "Gangway Style" well, maybe not.)

But back to my main point: I apparently have a weird gift of prophecy through video games.  It's impressive; many other drivers on the road with me had predictive skills that were not in any way supernatural, and they were not even able to see the obvious consequences of their actions.  Guys, when you've just driven past two cars in the ditch - one on it's side - then you come up on traffic doing 50 in a 90, heading to the passing lane isn't the best idea. 

But, video game gods, much as I do appreciate this gift, well, a few weeks ago in the game I won a Porsche in a race.  Was it too much to ask for that to be the event that played out in real life?  Okay, I guess if I had won a Porsche in real life, I would have totalled it driving today.  Game gods, you are wise indeed.

A Couple of Couples

It seems to be a trend for companies to have a recurring couple in their ads.  Lots of TV ads take place in a home, but I'm talking about using the same family each time.  Canadian Tire tried it a few years ago, and people quickly got sick of them.  Now both Leon's and Rogers are trying the same thing.

So why do they do this?  Could it be cheaper this way, filming several spots the same day with the same cast and set?  Great, now even marketing is using economies of scale.  Can Chinese ads be far behind?  Or maybe it's because they've noticed that having actors in different ads for different products is confusing (Dammit man, are you a PlayStation exec or a Holiday Inn customer?)  Signing up the same people for all your ads means that there's no brand confusion, and a couple of Canadian actors won't starve for a couple of years.

The Leon's couple is easily the more tolerable of the two.  I even laughed at the banana joke the first time I heard it.  But better than that, they actually break out of the goofy, immature man/smug humourless woman template (a little.)  In contrast, the Rogers couple are just generic 21st century television ad archetypes.  And the whole series really hit bottom with the most recent spot, which features a Matrix "bullet time" reference.  I did the math, and that would be the equivalent of an "E.T. phone home" joke in 1995.

Tastes Like Chicken

Is anyone else concerned about McDonald's newest creation, Chicken McBites?  It's just a bunch of tiny pieces of breaded chicken.  Not a bad idea on its own, and the fun-loving bohemian young people in the ads certainly like them.  But really, you can't be serious that there's more of the chicken left after you've made the McNuggets? 

I can think of three possibilities:

• They've found a way to make more of the chicken edible.  Giblets, unpleasant parts of chicken anatomy are now processed into a meat-like texture.
• They've been stockpiling left-over chicken pieces ever since they started serving chicken.  So now they have to do something with thirty years of, say, chicken tongues.
• Hormones and genetic engineering have made chickens bigger.  But for some reason, the excess meet only comes in small spherical pieces.

Rogue Points

The 100th Grey Cup was today.  As the old joke goes, it was a nice game, too bad the Stampeders weren't there for it.  Actually, it wasn't that great of a game: the Argos dominated the first half, then played it conservative for the second half. Overall we saw one team play one good half.

I skipped over the half-time show.  It was a controversial choice of Justin Bieber, Carly Rae Jepsen, Marianas Trench, and Gordon Lightfoot.  Even if you accept the blatant pandering to young audiences that wouldn't normally watch football, you have to admit that's an odd group.  The league could have been a little more subtle in their tweens-and-token-old-guy strategy; say throw in Buble as a bridge between generations.

But it wasn't all fun, games, and demographics.  I followed the game on twitter, and I was disappointed at how negative people were.  Obviously there were complaints about the officiating, criticisms of underperforming players, and a bit of discussion of the half-time performers.  Also, I hope Eric Tillman - the former Edmonton General Manager who traded Ricky Ray to Toronto - got all his stuff out of the city after being fired, because he should really never show his face there again.

What disappointed me about the Grey Cup tweets was how dismissive everyone was of the game and the entire league.  Certainly, football - or the Canadian rules - are not for everyone.  But at least criticize it for what it is instead of making up reasons.  I found the first see-how-boring-the-CFL-is tweet ten minutes into the game.  This was after two scores, two turnovers, and as much action as you would expect at that point in an NFL game.  I wish people would finally realize that every sport is boring if you don't know what's going on.

And of course there were the usual outdated criticisms, no one's watching, the league is about to go bankrupt, there are two teams named "roughriders."  In a way, the twitter negativity is proof that the league is doing well.  Most of the topics I follow on Twitter are small enough that they don't attract that huge underbelly of Internet bullying.  Congratulations, CFL, you've made the big time.

Not-So Popular Opinions

It's pretty universally acknowledged that image plays too big a part of modern politics. But what I find frustrating is that to most people, "image" in politics means excessive, unreal polish. It's a guy like John Edwards and his $400 haircut.  But really, the most damaging manipulation of image by politicians is in those that don't seem like they have an image. Those that have carefully built up a facade resembling an average person.

The Toronto Star has a good article eviscerating this idea of the populist, everyman politician. It's a sort of advance post-mortem on Rob Ford's mayorality (I guess that would be a pre-mortem.)

However, I would criticize it on a couple of points. First, it does spend a surprising amount of time on Ronald Reagan. I'm not a fan of his, but with newer and clearer examples of the fake populist, all that Ronnie-targeting comes across as unresolved issues on the part of the writer.  And secondly, when it comes to municipal politicians who get a pass from the media and public thanks to a folksy image, they have a great local example in Mississauga's Hazel McCallion.  But unlike Ford, a large segment of the Star's readership still love her, so they don't have the courage to call her out.

Things I Should Like But Don't

I often fit neatly into stereotypes of subcultures, most notably geek and hipster, as I've referred to before.  Yet, there are times I don't even fit into the stereotypical expectations of a person like me.  In this new semi-regular feature, I'll explore people, places, and things that a person like me should like, but I don't.  I don't usually hate these things, I just don't like them.

I Should Like:

Will Ferrell

Why should I like him?

He takes a more understated approach to comedy than the goofy, mean-spirited clowning that's become the norm.

Why don't I like him?

I'm not entirely sure.  For one thing, people who never drop their persona have always creeped me out (Jack Black and Bill Murray could make the list too.)  But I think a big part of it is that he has somehow set himself up with such a reputation for being funny that he doesn't really have to do anything any more.  Just going through the motions of appearances is enough to make audiences laugh hysterically.  Good for him, but I just don't enjoy watching it.

Do These Pants Make Me Look Obscure?

For this week's Sunday night NFL game, the Pittsburgh Steelers wore replicas of their original uniforms.  In honour of their eightieth anniversary, they broke out uniforms they would normally never be caught dead in, with yellow and brown horizontal striped shirts and socks, and light beige pants that did not compliment and offensive lineman's physique. 

This isn't unusual.  They're usually known as "throwback" uniforms.  Throughout the sports world, fashion crimes are committed in the name of nostalgia.  Here are some recommendations to improve future throwbacks.

They should be about nostalgia, not trivia

A lot of NFL teams are guilty of this, since their histories usually started long before the sport got national exposure.  So you have, say, the Broncos showing up in brown uniforms that no one remembers.  The New York Jets had a long obsession with the fact that they were originally called the Titans.  I don't know why anyone would care: the Titan uniforms were ugly, there's already a team called the Titans, and nobody cared about the team back then.  I'm sure the Jets played a few games before they upset Baltimore in Super Bowl III, it's just that no one cares that they did.  Which brings me to the next point:

Don't Throw Back if you have nothing to Throw Back To.

Take the Pittsburgh Penguins.  Apparently there was an organization in Pittsburgh called the "Penguins" dating back to the late sixties.  But as far as anyone cares, they came into being in the summer of 1984 when they drafted Mario Lemieux.  Yet, every year they play in ugly blue uniforms that harken back to when the team was terrible and no one came to see their games.

Be Fair and Throw Back to All Eras

By exclusively using retro uniforms from the sixties and earlier, you're just indulging the Baby Boomers.  Why not have retro seventies and eighties uniforms too?  Because they're ugly, sure.  Blue Jays, Buccaneers, you've done it, now how about the Astros, White Sox and Padres.  Canucks, even I won't ask for your yellow uniforms, but how about the black "V" shirts?

Make it Worth It

My own St. Louis Rams are guilty of this, using throwback uniforms to their lone Super Bowl championship.  Thing is, that was only twelve years ago, and the uniforms they used then were pretty much the same as their current ones, but with gaudier colours.  If you don't have anything to go back to, why not make something up?   Just put together some random shades of brown and beige, and it will probably still end up looking better than most alternate uniforms.

I'm Really Wired

Here are the chargers for my phone, tablet, and e-reader.

I realized that I haven't bothered to separate the wires for at least a week: since I know what each end looks like.  So when I need to charge something, I just search for the two ends I need and plug them in.

Fittingly, The Blue Jays' Fate Depends On Someone Saying, "OK"

This week, the Toronto Blue Jays agreed to a massive trade with the Miami Marlins, bringing in several star players for surprisingly little cost.  It has Jays fans like myself feeling a very strange sensation we haven't had in years - what was it called again? - ah yes: optimism.

But baseball commissioner Bud Selig has been taking his time approving the trade, which has people nervous.  Yes, it's probably just because it is a spectacularly large trade that will take a while to check for crossed T's and dotted I's.  But still, baseball trades are usually just rubber stamped by the league office, so some people - particularly Marlins fans - are thinking he might actually be thinking about rejecting it.

No pressure Mr. Selig, but we will hunt you down if you reject this trade.  Yes, it may seem like this trade was a one-sided money shift which detracts from the purity of the game.  And you might be surprised that I do have sympathy for the Marlins and their fans; their seemingly promising team is now back to rebuilding mode, with no hope of competitiveness for years.

But the purity-of-the-game/fair-to-the-fans ship sailed a long time ago.  Yes, you could cancel the trade because it's all about money.  But there have been hundreds of salary dumps, rent-a-player deals, and stratospheric free-agent signings over the years.  If you were going to stop it, there have been plenty of chances over the past couple of decades.

Even you Marlins fans have to agree.  Yes, it may seem like you just traded half your team for two prospects and a homophobic shortstop.  But the fact is your team did essentially buy two World Series titles.  You live by the dollar, you die by the dollar.

Baseball decided years ago on a laissez-faire set-up for its economics.  You may or may not like that - I don't; I'd rather have an over-centralized, enforced-equality, semi-socialist system like the NFL - but that is the way things have been for years, and it's not fair to change the game on us now, just when it's going our way.

A Horse On The Force Is A Horse, Of Course

The local police force has a couple of horses, and today they showed up on a street I was walking down.  I didn't see the horses themselves, but - how to put this delicately - I saw evidence that a horse had recently been there.  Or a large and unwell dog; I hope it was a horse.

This isn't even the first time I've seen the unpleasant remnants of the police horses' presence.  And it has me asking, isn't there a law against allowing a large mammal to take a dump on a public street?  I mean, we have stoop-and-scoop laws. 

See, it was a little controversial when they first got the horses a few years ago.  Yes, there are some areas where horses are very useful, such as crowd control.  But we don't have a lot of use for them here, and there are of course some start-up costs associated with getting your first police horses, like getting a stable.  Thus, many suspected it was just because someone at the police department wanted a horse. 

So I have to ask, how many crimes do you suppose the horses have prevented, and does it exceed the number of "crimes" the horses have deposited on the streets?

A Reassuring Thought

McDonald's has had "third pounder" burgers for a while now.  Of course, that can lead one to be cynical about western diets, since the quarter pounder was apparently not enough anymore.  And in that cynical vein, it occurred to me to wonder how many customers choose the quarter pounder over the third pounder, wrongly thinking ¼ is bigger than ⅓.

But then I realized: This is McDonald's.  They would never introduce a sandwich without researching and focus-grouping it within an inch of its life.  If they think people will know that third-pound burgers are bigger, it's because they've done the research behind it.  So it's undeniable: North American consumers understand basic fractions.

Still no idea what the Third Pounders are called in Europe.  For that, we'll have to wait for the Pulp Fiction sequel, and that will have to wait until Quentin Tarantino sells the rights to Disney.  Okay, I've crossed the line from "blogging" to "stream of consciousness," time to go.

Sweet Dreams Are Not Usually Made Of This

Many great ideas occur to people through dreams.  The DNA structure, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Space Invaders, the Twilight series, Yesterday, Every Breath You Take: they all came from dreams.

And last night, I found inspiration.  I dreamt that I moved my cell phone to my right pocket, and switching my wallet the other way.  It makes perfect sense since I hold the phone with my right hand, but I hold my wallet with my left hand so I can reach into it with my right hand.  I would have preferred an iconic song melody, but you have to take what the subconscious offers.

Things The Teenage Me Would Never Have Believed About The Future #6

J K Rowling, Dan Brown, Stephanie Meyer and Stieg Larsson all become household names – as authors!

Too Cool For Fools

There are signs up in our buildings instructing people not to use their air conditioners, because it is too cold.  Today, it was a high of 6°C (that would be 43°F) which has me asking the obvious question: what kind of an idiot is still running their air conditioner in this weather? 

I was amazed enough at the start of summer when they needed a sign telling people to keep their windows closed when the AC is on, and not to set it lower than 19°.   That's pretty cold: no one I know is as bothered by hot weather as I am, yet I'm perfectly happy to keep it set at 24°.  I can't imagine why any non-penguinoid lifeform would want it that cold.

So this is another in the I-can't-believe-they-have-to-tell-people-that file, along with:

• clean up anything you spill in front of the garbage chute
• don't throw anything off the balcony
• don't let your dogs do their business directly in front of the entrance.

In Sickness And In Health, Through Grinding And Slow Dances

I was at a wedding this weekend. I won't talk much about it because I make an effort to protect the identities of my friends and family in this blog.  It's pretty much the only way bloggers are like Spiderman.

But I will mention the dance.  I heard some critiques of the DJ's work, but personally I have some sympathy for wedding DJs.  After all, they have to satisfy several concepts, like:

• get the oldies out of the way early in the night while the parents and grandparents are still there.

• fit the trendy dance songs in there

• get old, formerly trendy dance songs in, since those are the ones post-adolescent guests will recognize

• for similar reasons, any song with dance instructions in the song are encouraged

• along those lines, "Time Warp" is still acceptable, but "YMCA" is too clinched (at least until late in the night when everyone is plastered)

• get a lot of the slow songs out of the way early in the evening.  Everyone is still full of love, and there are enough people around that the singles sitting out won't feel too conspicuous.

• adults are picky, having gotten beyond the dance-to-anything attitudes of high school and college, so try to put songs of the same type together to keep everyone on the dance floor
• for similar reasons, resist the urge to satisfy all these rules through covers, mash-ups and medleys, that will just confuse people (again, until later when everyone is smashed)

• try to give a nod to the couple's tastes in music, even if it's death-metal

Keep Calm and Approve This Message

Awhile back I did some spoofs of the ubiquitous "Keep Calm and Carry On" posters.  I didn't do an American version of the poster, due to the polarised nature of current American culture.  It's hard to condense a country down to five words at the best of times.  So instead I gave each half of the country its own poster, advising them how to deal with stress:

And, for the swing states:

I'm Literally Brought To You By...

I just read this article in Wired about AdverCar, a company that will pay you to put ads on your car.  I'm sure I'm not alone in wondering why it's taken so long for this to happen.  I would have thought that in trying to think up new things to put ads on, cars would have come before bananas, gas pumps, and public restroom cubicle doors.  Unfortunately it's not nearly enough to pay for the car,but does help with gas money.

I was discussing this with someone years ago, and they pointed out (prophetically, apparently) that the weakness in the plan is the location.  The advertisers will want to know where you drive, so that they can target ads and figure out how much it's worth spending on you.  And that leads to the problem that sinks a lot of ad-sustained businesses: anyone poor/cheap enough to want to sign up for this service is probably not worth advertising to.  If you're desperate enough to drive around in a car with "I'm lovin' it" across the hood, you probably don't have much disposable income, and probably don't live around anyone else who does, either.

Really, the only way to make advertising on cars work is if you syncronized it with Nascar.  It sounds stupid to drive a car covered with M&M's characters on it, but if Kyle Busch does it first, that makes it okay.

Vive le Premier!

Recently, these posters appeared around downtown Kitchener:

Now that's just weird.  If you have any idea what point they're trying to make, I'd like to know.