That's The News, And I Am Outta Here

“But I believe in this - and it’s been tested by research,
that he who fucks nuns will later join the church”

-The Clash, "Death or Glory"

Still the greatest line in the history of rock. In the song it was part of a critique of rebellious musicians, but I always associate that quote with either Joan Rivers or Dennis Miller, two great comedians who turned into the sort of people that their younger selves would have made fun of. When Rivers died, some younger people were genuinely surprised at what positive feelings she elicited from so many people. I guess that's understandable: to many adults today, she was known only for catty red carpet coverage and work on the shopping channel. I always wondered what 1970’s Rivers would have had to say about a person like that.

Miller turned off a lot of fans with his drift to the right in the last decade. Defenders have pointed out that he was never really lefty, and his SNL colleague Al Franken has said he doesn't find Miller’s current work surprising.

But to me the disappointing part wasn't his ideology, but his partisanship. Though he may have leaned right in the past - or more accurately, libertarian - the joy from his routines came mainly from his ridiculing the stupidity of society in general and politics especially. Now he's not really a conservative, but a loyal Republican. Or to put it another way, is hard to believe the guy who said of Reagan and nuclear weapons,

"There's no more frightening image in the world, than the finger having access to the button, having a string tied around it."

...later said,

“I’d like to thank George (W) Bush for allowing me to respect the American presidency again.”

But now we can add another to the list of those joining the church later in life, and that is Miller's former show, Saturday Night Live. They’ve announced that Donald Trump will host an upcoming show. Of course, this isn’t the first time they’ve had a politician on the show - Hillary Clinton was on just a few weeks ago. These appearances can be fun, even though they are usually awkward and even though everyone knows it’s just the politician trying to look human by displaying a sense of humour. But most importantly, politicians’ cameos are always short, allowing the show to go back to what it should be doing: making fun of things, often including those politicians.

I realize political satire has never been the focus of the show, but it’s always been a component. And we rely on political humour to puncture the egos and highlight the flaws of our leaders and candidates, rather than assist them. Having a politician host the show means softening the satire, and that’s really unfortunate in this case. Trump is the biggest story in politics at the moment, and someone who is pushing politics in troubling directions. He should be a target, rather than a performer.

But it’s not hard to understand why the show is doing this: As the focus of so much attention right now, Trump drags viewers wherever he goes. Whether it’s his supporters, or people who just can’t look away from a trainwreck, Trump’s SNL episode is sure to be a ratings winner. And that’s another difference from other political appearances on the show: instead of SNL assisting a politician in forming their image, here the politician is helping the show, which just emphasizes what a clear example of selling-out this is.

Historically, the Saturday Night Live bandwagon has had a widely-varying number of passengers. Many people may be jumping on for the Trump episode, but I’ll be leaving it.

You May Know Me From Hollywood Boulevard

Every now and then you hear about someone new being added to the Hollywood Walk Of Fame. What's weird is that the people being honoured seem to be at different levels of their careers. It's not like a sports hall of fame where their career has to be finished, or a lifetime achievement award where it's for a lifetime body of work.

On the other hand, they sometimes do give it to someone who's been around for a while. So we get these announcements that there's a ceremony to give stars to Kesha and Rich Little. And I'm wondering who decided that they are at the exact same level of accomplishment? And what did Rich Little just do that got him over the line? Is he lifting the ceremonial cover off that star thinking, thank God I did that show in Tucson last week, that finally got me here.

I'm really wondering about that, given the recent announcement that Phil Hartman is getting a star. I'm all in favour, as you can guess given that in the tag cloud in the margin, the SNL label is about the size as my hometown. But I have to ask what just happened to make him worthy, given that he died sixteen years ago. But then I realized: it was the recent Simpsons marathon. Apparently Troy McClure made a big impression on the Walk Of Fame people.

The Future In Beer

You may remember a few years ago, there was this curiosity story that news outlets used to fill extra minutes or column inches.  The story was that a brewery was marketing a beer for gay people.  But to me, this wasn't some light time-waster story; it was the most horrifying thing I'd ever seen.  That's because I'd already seen Saturday Night Live do a spoof ad for Gay Beer years earlier.

But then, life-imitating-art repeats itself.  (Did that sentence make any sense?)  You may have heard this joke:

The story goes that there was a meeting of all the big brewers.  Mr. Miller was there and Mr. Busch, Mr. Coors and Mr. Guinness.  They came to a break time and food and drink orders were taken.
Mr. Miller ordered a Miller Lite.
Mr. Busch ordered a Bud.
Mr. Coors ordered a Silver Bullet.
Mr. Guinness ordered an iced tea.
One of his colleagues asked, "Aren't you going to have one of your own products?"
Mr. Guinness replied, "If none of you are drinking beer, neither will I."

And now, what happens?  Coors actually has an Iced Tea!  Real life keeps doing things that people used to think was funny, but only when it relates to beer.

Hey Lorne, Need A New Writer?

Derek Stepan was the New York Rangers' highest-scoring player this year.  Whenever I see the Rangers on TV, I hear the commentators say his name, and I keep hearing it as Stefon, the uber-hipster character from Saturday Night Live.  He's played by Bill Hader, who leaves the show after this weekend's season finale.  So in his honour, here is what I imagine a post-game interview with Derek Stepan would sound like:

Reporter: What did the team do to up the intensity for the playoffs?

Stepan: If you want intensity, then look no further.  New York's hottest club is [makes noise of goal siren].  Club owner Glam Boni is back with this new club that answers the question, “Luongo?” Located in Steve Avery's old hockey bag, this club has everything: goons, pucks, estranged Sutters, butch gorings, guys in Jaromir Jagr wigs, goalies who poke check without a stick.  And look, is that Don Cherry?  No, it's a homeless guy living in a 1970’s couch.  It's got all that and human skate sharpeners.

Reporter: Human skate sharpeners?

Stepan: That's that thing where a rapper who's had all his teeth replaced with silver gives you a pedicure.

On Canvas, From Los Angeles

I was just looking through the artwork from a Saturday Night Live art show in L.A.  As with anything that retrospectives the entire SNL history, I'm ready to get angry if they've over-emphasized something I hate (I just know there's going to be too much Mary Catherine Gallagher and not enough Church Lady.)  But in this case, I wasn't left angry, just surprised.  What did I learn?

• There's way less mythologising of the original cast than I expected.  (How could you not do a Samurai Tailor poster?)
• People really loved "Toonces the Driving Cat" and Matt "van down by the river" Foley
• And that one-off sketch where Chris Farley tries out for the Chippendales against Patrick Swayze made a big impact.  
• Stefon is the most popular current character, which is fitting because an art gallery that would have an SNL art show is just the sort of place he'd like.
• Christopher Walken is more popular than most of the cast members.
• Kind of off topic, but where was Father Guido Sarducci during the Papal change?

Fake News, Fake Sources

You may have heard of the sexual assalt allegations against John Travolta.  I heard about it, but not in the normal way.  My first indication of it was when I caught the end of a story while channel-surfing past CNN.  Then a couple of days later, they made a passing reference to it on The Daily Show.  So I know something bad has happened involving Travolta, but I don't know what.  I thought about looking on-line, but I couldn't be bothered.  Then on Saturday, I finally heard the complete news story for the first time - on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update. 

I should be embarrassed: several times people have made jokes about viewers who get most of their information from such fake news programs, usually with reference about said viewers being pot-smoking college students.  Really though, I believe this is the first time I've heard news from a comedy program - though I have occasionally learned new things from The Onion's "American Voices" feature.

But instead, I feel like this is a badge of honour.  If it had been an important story, yes I'd been embarrassed, but this is just celebrity fluff.  My news outlets are so well chosen that I'm remaining informed while avoiding infotainment time-wasters.  You really can tailor today's media to your own desires.  Good luck making conversation with normal people though.