Not In The Target Market

Today I went in one of Canada's brand-new Target stores.  (And just so everyone knows, I'm typing "Target" with the english pronounciation.)  Overall I was underwhelmed.  The stores seem nice enough, but it hardly seemed worth spending six months remodelling.  Really, they just painted everything red and put up new signs.  I also didn't understand why they got rid of all Zeller's old shelving; the new Target-approved fixtures are pretty much the same utilitarian-chic.

Target may have set themselves up for disappointment.  By making a big production of their entry into the Canadian market, people are expecting more than just a Zellers with better organized shelves.  It's bad enough that after month of clearance-level discounts the new Target prices are going to seem pretty high.

One thing's for sure: they aren't expecting men to be a big part of their customer base.  Of course, I'm used to getting short shrift in the clothing department, but Target takes it to new levels.  The men's shoe shelf is limited to a couple of models of dress shoe, running shoes, deck shoes and Chucks.  Zellers gave you whole aisle of second-rate sneakers and loafers.  The clothing department is a little better, with a few - admittedly nice-looking - buttoned shirts to go with the jeans and dumb-humour t-shirt rack that seems to be the only thing in the store that survived the take-over unchanged.

So it wasn't too bad, but it wasn't great.  Not good enough for me to forgive them for screwing over the Zellers employees, anyway.  So now I'm going to start shopping at Wal-M... at Wal-Ma...  No, I can't do it: Sears, here I come.

It's Tough Being The Anti-Paris

I don’t follow celebrity news much.  As a kid I used to watch Entertainment Tonight all the time, but I no longer find it interesting, which I take as a comment on celebrity culture’s intellectual level.  I say all this to point out that once a celebrity story gets to me, I’m assuming that it’s pretty big.  So I have to ask: what does everyone have against Anne Hathaway?

There seems to be a sudden rise in articles talking about how people don’t seem to like her.  This surprised me, because she’s always seemed like a nice person.  Granted, I didn’t see the Oscar telecast where she and James Franco co-hosted; based on people’s reactions to that show, I’m assuming they barbecued kittens on stage or something.    But on talk shows she’s always come across as friendly and humourous without being pretentious.  Whatever negatives you can find against her are hardly worth mentioning when compared with the grand list of things to hate about people in Hollywood.

And yet, people are now turning against her.  Worst of all, the articles I’ve read are all phrased in the form of “I don’t know why I want to hate her.”  That’s a bad sign: once the media starts reporting on itself, you know the story has taken on a life of its own.  Any article that asks why everyone is talking about Purple Giraffes means that we’re going to be hearing about purple giraffes for the next couple of years.  It’s the same process that gets professional celebrities into the public eye.  People keep talking about the Kardashians because people keep talking about the Kardashians. 

So it seems Hathaway is the first person to be the reverse:  If Paris Hilton is famous for being famous, then Anne Hathaway is the first person to be hated for being hated.

Stopping the Streaking

The Miami Heat's 27-game winning streak is over.  Or - as the media likes to call them these days - LeBron James and the Miami Heat.  That seems odd for a team that is known for being packed with several stars; I don't remember it being "Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls."  I wonder if Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh knew they were just signing up to be in James's backing band.

If this game is remembered, people in the future will look back on the footage of it and ask, why do they have "El Heat" and "Los Bulls" on their shirts?  Yes, the most notable game of the season just happened to be on the NBA's ultra-tokeny salute to Latino culture by putting Spanish pronouns in front of the otherwise untranslated team names.  Does this really impress Hispanics?  To put it in perspective, this would be like soccer's Atlético Madrid spending a day referring to themselves as "The Atlético Madrid"

But as I said, the game - and the streak - will likely only be a footnote in basketball history, and thus illustrates the dilemma LeBron James has put himself in.  Yes, going to the star-studded Heat has given him the championship that has cooled the criticism of his lack of team accomplishment.  But in the process, he's also raised the bar tremendously high.  A long winning streak is impressive, but given the talent on this team, it's only the least of our expectations.  By uniting a generation of star players on one team, they've invited comparisons not with other teams in the league, but with the greatest teams ever.  Rather than remember a great winning streak that would contribute to James's legend, it will be remembered negatively, for coming up short of the all-time record.

Japanese Restaurants, Mosques, Doctor's Offices?

So I walk into the doctor’s office, and there’s a big sign in the entryway asking everyone to take off their shoes upon entering.  They do this during the winter months, and I know from the past that people do generally follow this request.  But now it’s near the end of winter - there’s still some snow on the ground, but the temperature is above zero and the ground is mostly dry.  So do I follow the instructions?  It doesn’t get any better when I get inside: there are only a couple of people in the waiting area, and one pair of boots on the big mat where people usually leave their footwear.

So what do I do?  Kindly follow the directions of the handmade bristol board sign that someone obviously put a lot of work into and in the process timidly bend to imposed authority?  Or ignore the directions and stand up for common sense and in the process be one of those arrogant jerks who feels he’s above the rules? 

I went with the former, and took off my shoes.  As I waited, several others came in, and none of them took off their shoes, so I look like an idiot in my socks surrounded by people wearing shoes.  So when society collapses, don’t blame me: I’ve been a martyr for law and order.

If You Can Read This, You're Driving Too Badly

Years ago I remember seeing a new automotive product on TV.  It was a small sort of scrolling message board that you could fit in the back window of a car.  This was around the time that the third brake light was being introduced, so I think it was intended to act as a brake light too.  I'm not sure how you told it what to say; presumably a small keyboard.

It's probably fortunate they didn't catch on, as they'd be just one more distraction in a world where people have enough trouble concentrating on driving.  But I figured it might work if you could pre-program a few possible messages that you could call up when you need them.  I'd go with messages like, "Back off my ass," "Turn off your indicator," "Get off the damn phone," and "For God's sake, someone let me into that lane."

But the rear window message board would really be valuable if you could dictate the message to it.  Whatever you say comes out on the scroll for the driver behind to see.  I thought of this today when I felt the need to ask a driver why he had so much trouble staying in his lane going around turns.  You can't really anticipate the need for a message like that, especially if you want to address it to "Idiot in the white Escalade."

But the tragic flaw in this invention - which we can't overcome with any technology - is that it faces backwards.  Most of the people you want to complain about are in front of you.  Sure, you could pass them then flash the message, but once you pass someone, it's like they become someone else's problem.  You could put the board in your front window, and program it to go backwards so they can read it in their mirror.  But if the person in front of me looks in the mirror, the only thing I'd want to do is congratulate them. 

Can We Trade A Masculine Logo For Your Undefeated Season?

Rumours are swirling that the Miami Dolphins are going to change their logo.  Although the new logo looks nice, it has the stench of marketing on it.  Clearly a PR professional decided to make it more marketable.  It's a real-life Poochie, created without considering that whatever you do, it's still going to be a football team named after playful, universally loved creatures.

They've made the sun look more realistic, not like something off of 1960's wallpaper.  Gone is the comically determined look on the dolphin's face.  But most of all, he's no longer wearing this precious little helmet.  I remember Dennis Miller, during his ten minutes as a Monday Night Football commentator, noting that the dolphin is strangely not wearing a Dolphins helmet.  (See?  Don't say he never contributed anything to football.)  So I would have thought that if they were going to change the logo, it would just be to add that one fractal touch of the dolphin wearing a helmet with a dolphin on it that's wearing a helmet with a dolphin...

Some teams just can't get away from a cartoony logo.  The Pittsburgh Penguins tried to go all serious with their art deco penguin logo of the 90's.  But eventually they saw the light and went back to that cartoon penguin that wears gloves and skates but no other clothes.  Yes, there are teams that benefit from having a childish logo angried-up.  The Toronto Raptors have have been better off de-emphasizing their basketball-playing dinosaur logo (who is also not wearing a Raptors uniform.)  But the dolphin is fun.  And being associated with a team that has some success in its history helps.

Massless Media

Wired has an interesting article about the changes in television ratings.  Well, some of it is interesting.  Like a lot of Wired, it has interesting ideas with a helping of speculation and techno-optimism, along with strange graphic design (Why all the pictures of Alison Brie?  I'm not complaining, just confused.)

Anyway, much of the article revolves around the idea that traditional Nielsen ratings are not very useful in determining the success of TV programs in this age of DVR's, Netflix, and illegal downloading.  That's interesting, but they also bring up a point that I wish more people would learn:  Lots of "popular" TV shows aren't that popular.

Back in the day, when there were three American networks, and before cable channels,  VCR's, DVD's, and the Internet, everyone was watching TV with limited choices, so a popular show had more people watching than not watching.  It was a communal thing: you could assume most of the people around you were watching All in the Family last night just like you.  But now with so many entertainment options, nothing short of the Superbowl even gets to half the audience.  A cable show that gets most of its fame from critical acclaim will only be seen by a tiny percentage of the public. 

There's nothing wrong with this, of course.  I'm a big proponent of individualized entertainment options, so I'm glad to see it.  I just wish everyone would get used to the idea that our TV choices are not as universal as our parents' were.  Stop making references to Breaking Bad and Downton Abbey expecting that we've seen them; we probably haven't.  There isn't much that's universal in entertainment any more, so you'll just have to learn how to talk about politics.

You Can Use Windows 8 To Read This Post!

Microsoft has a pretty spotty record when it comes to advertising.  There was the infamous ad with Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld:



Yep, I just watched it again, and it doesn't make any more sense than I remembered. 

There were all those "To the cloud" ads, none of which actually used cloud computing, and this one was bragging about a feature everyone had already seen from Photoshop at least ten years earlier:



And that seems to be their problem now.  Microsoft has lost site of the idea that people want technology to do new things.  Like this ad that has thankfully finally stopped running:



The message being that a Windows PC can search the internet, play videos, and run Angry Birds. You know what else can do that? A three-year-old iPhone. 

That's the format for most Microsoft ads: a big song and dance about really mundane things.  We've got a tablet with a keyboard, isn't that amazing?  Not really, it's just a funny-looking laptop.  Microsoft has become that out-of-touch relative that finally notices new inventions years after everyone else.  Great, I have to show Aunt Sarah how to check her e-mail.  Then I have to explain Twitter to Uncle Microsoft.

May I Be Frank?

Earlier I pointed out that the reaction to Pope Benedict's resignation was highly polarised between people who see the Catholic church as hopelessly out of touch and people who see it as vital and hopeful.  And now the reaction to the new Pope has fallen along similar lines.  Either Francis is a great and wonderful light for the whole world who possesses every possible positive attribute, or he's too conservative, won't change things for women or gays, so nothing's changed:  Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

But he is changing some things.  He's putting a new emphasis on helping the poor.  I don't know whether this is a product of his being from a developing country - and thus something we should expect from popes in the future - or maybe just his style.  It's just not the change that liberals were hoping for.

Here's my radical new way of looking at it.  Maybe this is still a good thing.  Don't get me wrong, I wish he was introducing new and modern ways that are fairer to women and more accepting of homosexuals.  But I ask you, what does the world need most?  Gay rights are gaining momentum, and women in the developing world are starting to stand up and make themselves heard.  These things are being done without the church's blessing.

But fighting for the poor?  Let's face it: we're losing badly. The poor-bring-it-on-themselves philosophy has become dominant in the west, and the aid-does-more-harm-than-good belief has allowed cynicism to hold back international aid.  Yes, my fellow progressives, I hate to admit it, but we're in over our heads on this one, and we could really use the church's help.  Moreover, we need their help on poverty more than we need their help on gay and women's rights.  It may just be that for all our disagreements with him, Francis is just who we need right now.

Things The Teenage Me Would Never Have Believed About The Future, #6

First of all, the term "Robot War" is being used in headlines:

...and secondly, when I saw it my first reaction was just to think that "inquisitor" was bit of a loaded term.

...From My Cliched, Dead Hands

Lots of people have aspects of their lives that are totally unexpected, that run counter to our preconceptions.  For instance, I mentioned watching the Daytona 500, not what you'd expect for a liberal Canadian hipster.  Then when I was researching Tom Morello for that post a few days ago, I came across the fact that he's also a huge Trekkie, and even did a cameo appearance on Star Trek: Voyager.

That sort of thing happens so often in our modern and complex society, that it actually stands out when people play into their stereotypes.  I had one of those moments when Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne did an ad for the Junos.  As with any liberal Canadian hipster, I already think of the Junos as the symbol of emphasising popularity above all else, and it would be hard to pick anyone to better reaffirm those feelings.  Were Justin Bieber and Carly Rae Jepsen not available?  Then there was the story of how Marc Ouellett, Canadian Cardinal and Papal candidate, went into the priesthood after an injury made him rethink a career in hockey.

The same thing happened when news came out that the NRA is going to sponsor a NASCAR race, in Texas no less.  There'll be al sorts of morality questions asked in the media, but I'm asking:  Does the NRA really need more visibility or positive public relations among NASCAR fans?  Surely they should be sponsoring an art show in New York or a poetry jam in San Francisco.  But then, Tim Hortons does spend a lot sponsoring hockey and curling, so maybe there's something to this seemingly redundant advertising.

Relocation Relocation Relocation

Sometimes sports teams seem to be a great reflection of the cities they represent.  Two of the best examples are the Pittsburgh Steelers (gritty physical team from a resilient, blue-collar town) and the L. A. Lakers (a team from the capital of the entertainment business, traditionally led by superstars.)

But then there are other teams that don’t seem to belong at all.  Here are some of my choices for teams that should really move somewhere more appropriate:

Pittsburgh Penguins

City known for dirty, failing industry hosts successful team built on skill of highly-skilled foreigners
Better place: Silicon Valley

Montreal Canadiens

Has some things going for it, but usually disappoint under the weight of excessive expectations.
Better place: Toronto

New York Yankees

Boorish fans cheer on team that simplistically wins by out-spending rivals.  Not the effete city we love/hate.
Better place: L.A. (or move the stadium to Wall Street)

Oakland Athletics

Constantly finding alternative ways to win.
Better place: San Francisco

New England Patriots

beautiful and cultured corner of America represented by cold, calculated, mechanical team.
Better place: Milwaukee

Miami Heat

Uses lavish spending to buy a team of stars.
Better place: Well, Dubai really, but we'll say Las Vegas

Phoenix Coyotes

It's a hockey team...in the desert.
Better place: Quebec or Hamilton

Toronto Raptors

Whatever they try to turn things around doesn’t work.
Better place: Detroit

Browse Globally, Shop Locally

I often find myself bouncing from one Wikipedia page to another.  There ought to be a name for that - it's like what people first meant when they talked about web "surfing."  In one recent jaunt, I came across a weird fact: there is a shopping mall in Greenland.  Yes, the Nuuk Centre (in the capital, Nuuk) only has twenty stores, but it is an enclosed shopping area with stores of multiple brands.  Not any stores you'll have heard of, mind you.

I thought of that today as I walked around the Stanley Park Mall here in KW.  I love that place because it's so small for a mostly-occupied mall, and it happens to be about the size of the Nuuk Centre.  And like the Nuuk Centre, it's filled with local stores you've never heard of.  Of course, that's part of the charm: there's no place else you can find the Transylvania Bakery or Ted's Smokes.  And of course there's the tiny underground parking lot, complete with escalator ramps to let people get their grocery carts to and from Zehr's.  (I still can't believe that made financial sense.)  All the place needs is an adorable little food court consisting of a couple of tables in front of a vending machine.

I hope the mall can keep going tough.  Today I noticed that the jewellery-and-paintings-of-Jesus store had a sign outside that read, "Going Out For Business" [sic].  So does that mean they'll be shutting down, or they're making an extra push for customers?  The fact that it's shortly after the Walmart around the corner just opened, that could mean they are taking advantage of the extra traffic, of they're just giving up.  So they're either announcing their demise in broken English - which is just heartbreaking - or doing the sort of awkward pun that only ad writers could like.

Contract With Nirvana

Is it just me, or does this Buddha at the local head shop look like Newt Gingrich?

Well That's Just Weird

Uhuru Kenyatta was elected president of Kenya this week.  Kenya/Kenyatta, that sounds like a coincidence.  Hey, former Winnipeg Blue Bomber Tom Canada, have you considered politics? 

But seriously, I seem to remember that Kenya was named after its founder, so I wondered if Mr. Kenyatta is related.  News reports didn't say anything, so I went to Wikipedia.  I found that he is indeed, the son of Jomo Kenyatta, the first president of Kenya.  And (unless pranksters have simultaneously hit several sites around the net) it turns out he is also second cousin, once removed, to Tom Morello, guitarist of Rage Against The Machine and Audioslave.

(And Kenyatta is named after the country, not the other way around.)

We Must Be Cursed

Remember when Harry Potter and friends went to see the World Cup of Quidditch in (pause while I look it up) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire?  That made me wonder, what the Canadian Quidditch team would be like.

I'm not holding much hope for them.  I'm picturing a rag-tag group of part-time wizards, maybe the Sasquatch too if he's allowed to play.  And instead of using the advanced brooms like the Firebolt or Nimbus 2000, they probably get by with brooms from CCM, or Canadian Tire's Magicmaster brand.  Or maybe they just use enchanted curling brooms. 

How can I know all this?  It's the simple formula that it's a Canadian team playing a sport that involves neither ice nor Christine Sinclair.  As such, we just don't seem to have a chance.  I say this after my latest exasperating experience cheering for the red and white, when they're playing on the green. 

Yes, today we lost our opening game of the World Baseball Classic to Italy.  Yes, that Italy, the one in Europe, the continent where most people don't know what baseball is.  And the game ended in the eighth inning because of the mercy rule.  Yes, the rule that prevented you from getting humiliated in grade five gym class, and was probably put into this tournament to protect teams like Italy from us, was invoked against us.

What I'm getting tired of is not our inability to win championships - I'm a realist, I know we're not going to knock off Japan.  I just wish we could occasionally overachieve.  Or at least live up to expectations.  Or not go away embarrassed.

Five (Paragraphs) For Fighting

In this week's game between the Maple Leafs and Senators, I was left perplexed by one of the fights.  In it, the Leaf's Frazer McLaren fought the Senator's Dave Dziurzynski.  What was unusual was that it ended in a knockout; when McLaren connected with Dziurzynski's chin, the Senator fell flat on his face.  He was revived, but had to leave the game with a concussion.

What surprised me was people's reaction: it was treated as a very sombre moment.  Throughout the night, analysts mentioning the incident all seemed to say variations on, "you don't want to see that happen."

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I just don't understand hockey culture.  I don't mean that in the sense of, "I don't understand how anyone could like that."  I accept that people may want something different out of the sport than I do.  But you need to at least have some logical consistency.  Take Mixed Martial Arts for instance.  I'm not a fan of it, but I at least understand where the fans are coming from.  Some people like seeing violence and gore, so they go watch fights with few rules, violence and gore ensue, and the viewers rejoice.

But in hockey, people love the fights, yet they are aghast at the result of the fight.  I'm left wondering what exactly hockey fighters were trying to accomplish by pounding each other in the head all these years.  That seems to be a pattern in hockey culture: there's a razor-thin distinction between what is encouraged and what is condemned.  Sometimes I feel sorry for the players who run afoul of these mysterious expectations. 

Rather than get caught up in discussions of when and if fighting should be allowed, it would be more valuable for us to decide what exactly we want out of this game. 

You Don't Expect A Green Ferrari

Ferrari has a new supercar out.  It's a hybrid, and it's called LaFerrari.  My reaction upon seeing the name was to think of the Renault LeCar, the compact that bedevilled French teachers and its owners in the early eighties.  The LaFerrari - see, just sounds weird - is their entry in the expanding market for $1,000,000+ sportscars that are only barely faster than the $200,000 sportscars.

So Ferrari has trouble naming things.  Or at least, whoever names things for them hasn't spent much time on this side of the Atlantic.  Last year they tried to celebrate the 150th anniversary of the modern Italian state by naming their Formula one car the "F-150" and were quickly informed by Ford's lawyers that they've been using that name for their pick-up for nearly as long as Italy has been around.

A lot of people outside the automotive press will make a big deal about this being a hybrid, since we've had it pounded into our heads that hybrid or electric cars are inherently about efficiency, in much the same way that the car buying public gets confused if they find that an economy car is turbocharged.
The fact is that if a technology makes a car get better use of its fuel, you can use that technology to either increase mileage with the same power, or more power with the same mileage.  And electric motors provide more torque at low engine speeds, so it provides better acceleration.  So while the lefty in me may appreciate the mass market electric and hybrid cars like the Prius, Volt and Leaf, the realist in me feels that high end cars like this Ferrari are going to do more good in getting new technology to market.

Who Needs The Taster's Choice Couple?

A while back I talked about the recurring couples you see in TV commercials, with special emphasis on the couple in the Rogers ads.  Well now I'm confused because the latest ad has a couple that features the same woman, but with another man.  That sure was fast.  Why did she leave the other guy?  I hope it wasn't because she was suspicious of him working late; we know he was really just watching soccer on his coworker's laptop.

The focus of the new ad is that the new hubby has non-masculine tastes in television.  Because if you can't show men in commercials as stupid, you have to at least make them effeminate.  And if him watching ice dancing is too subtle, they even have him protest his masculinity by mentioning TV shows about beards.  Ooh, what edgy humour.

One More Chance To Use The "Oscar" Tag

There's been plenty of criticism of Seth MacFarlane's hosting of the Oscars this year.  I can't comment on the claims that it was sexist because I didn't see much of the show, particularly the now infamous "We Saw Your Boobs" song.  But a lot of the criticism is just about him not being funny, and there I think people need a little perspective.

It all reminds me of when David Letterman hosted in 1995.  I've never been a big fan of Letterman's humour, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for him.  As I saw it, here's what happened:

• Letterman host a talk show.  He and the show are widely praised.
• His humourous reputation gets him a gig hosting the Oscars.
• He hosts the show, doing exadtly the same kind of jokes he does on his talkshow.
• His hosting of the Oscars is considered an embarrassing failure.

MacFarlane follows much the same pattern of host-gets-criticised-for-doing-what-got-him-the-hosting-job.  It all underlines the problem that even the organizers of the Oscar show don't seem to get: being considered funny by everyone in modern society is really difficult, and getting near impossible.  In the 500 channel universe, there really aren't any Bob Hope-like pan-cultural comedy touchstones anymore.

A few people pointed to Tina Fey as a possible host.  I think she's one of the few people who might actually be able to pull it off.  Unfortunately she has flatly refused.  And I can understand that, given people's high expectations.  So the job of Oscar Host could become like the job of Republican Presidential Candidate: anyone with the skills to be good at it will also have the skills to realise it's a thanklessly impossible job.

Bloggiversary!

Yes, it's been one year that I've been maintaining this blog.  This isn't the anniversary itself, though.  I had to be weird and start the blog on February 29, so it doesn't have an anniversary this year.

So what have I learned in a year in the blogosphere? 

• I surprised myself at how much and how regularly I can write.
• Based on Blogger's stats, people browsing Russian pharmacy sites have a strange interest in my life.
• If I had signed up to put ads on the site, I could have made two or three dollars by now.
• I'm wordiest in early evening.
• It's surprising how much you can type on a touch-screen keyboard.
• I'm the only person in the world who can't figure out how to import pictures from Google Drive.
• Blogging seems more natural for me than Tweeting.
• It takes more than a year of blogging to get a book or movie deal.

Thanks everyone for reading!