Pesky Jason and the Olympians

After two weeks of trying to follow the Olympics, here's my critique of all the sports I've watched:

Water Polo:

Redesign the head covers.  I don't know what looks worse: the ear covers that look like Princess-Leia-hair, the string strap tied in a precious little bow under the chin, or the way their hair forces it into a conehead shape.  Hockey players use less-than-optimum helmets for the looks (the "bubble" helmets of the seventies were better, but judged to be too ugly) so I think water poloers, or what ever they're called, should get to use something better-looking too.

Synchronized Swimming:

Redesign the nose plugs.  You can use the excuse that it's for streamlining.

Swimming:

As many people have said, there should just be freestyle swimming, since the other disciplines are like giving extra sprinting medals for running with silly walks.  Oh wait, they do...

Racewalking:

Admittedly I haven't watched all the coverage of the Olympics.  But I have watched a lot, and there's still one thing I can't believe I haven't seen: Racewalking highlights set to the Benny Hill chase music.  Or perhaps a montage of racewalking highlights interspersed with clips from the Silly Walks sketch.

Beach Volleyball:

Drop the pretence and just have everyone naked.

Diving:

I'm assuming the judges are all at the side of the pool.  Why?  Because any of them were looking directly at the diver from the ends of the pool, no one would want to give any marks for the Tuck position.  That has to be the most embarrassing move I've seen in any artistic sports.

Marathon Swimming:

It's only in its second Olympics and I have to say: what kind of a new sport is that?  It's simple and extremely challenging.  Exactly what we don't expect from the newest Olympics sports.  Where's the insular jargon, the sanity-straining stunts, the weird equipment, the cryptic judging criteria?

Tae Kwon Do:

It's an interesting sport, though it's not as entertaining as you would expect from a sport of trying to kick your opponent in the head.  Maybe it's just the way it's presented on television.  Hong Kong action directors, the challenge is yours.

Badminton:

That's far more entertaining than I expected, the intentional losses notwithstanding.  It's a weird combination of fast and slow: the shuttlecock starts out lightning fast, then slows like it hit a molasses cloud.  I find it's like watching Table Tennis, but without that nagging feeling that the players are violating the laws of physics.

Modern Pentathlon:

It's supposed to be based on the skills needed by a soldier - as of its creation, in 1912.  That includes fencing and horseback riding.  So like Modernism itself, the Modern Pentathlon seems quite dated.  What we need is a Post-Modern Pentathlon.  Okay, that sounds bad - I just mean sports based on what today's soldiers have to do.  I'm sure we could make a difficult set of events out of Navy SEAL training.

Triathlon:

I was disappointed to find out that countries often send their triathletes to the games not to try to win, but just so they can help pace the country's top competitor.  That strikes me as against the spirit of competition; if countries are going to turn it into a team sport, they should all share in the credit.  I still can't quite figure out how a person wants the challenge of a triathlon, but the challenge of pacing themselves is just too much.

Canoeing:

Is it too much to ask that they actually look like canoes?  I know, race cars don't look like street cars, so I shouldn't expect authentic birch-bark canoes.  But still, it loses some style.  Perhaps competitors could be required to carve their own canoes as part of the competition.

Velodrome Cycling:

It's always been an odd discipline to begin with, what with the dawdling around the track, daring the other competitor to take the lead.  Yes, I understand the concept: drafting the other cyclist to slingshot around makes it advantageous to trail late in the race.  But the same principle works in Nascar too, but you don't see them weaving along the track in first gear waiting for someone else to go first.

Equestrian:

Lots of people ask whether this even counts as a sport - a sport of humans, anyway.  And with Mitt Romney's wife owning a horse in the event, there's also the question of whether equestrian is just a sop to the wealthy.  Well they could diffuse that by including some more cheap sports.  Ultimate Frisbee anyone?