Derek Stepan was the New York Rangers' highest-scoring player this year. Whenever I see the Rangers on TV, I hear the commentators say his name, and I keep hearing it as Stefon, the uber-hipster character from Saturday Night Live. He's played by Bill Hader, who leaves the show after this weekend's season finale. So in his honour, here is what I imagine a post-game interview with Derek Stepan would sound like:
Reporter: What did the team do to up the intensity for the playoffs?
Stepan: If you want intensity, then look no further. New York's hottest club is [makes noise of goal siren]. Club owner Glam Boni is back with this new club that answers the question, “Luongo?” Located in Steve Avery's old hockey bag, this club has everything: goons, pucks, estranged Sutters, butch gorings, guys in Jaromir Jagr wigs, goalies who poke check without a stick. And look, is that Don Cherry? No, it's a homeless guy living in a 1970’s couch. It's got all that and human skate sharpeners.
Reporter: Human skate sharpeners?
Stepan: That's that thing where a rapper who's had all his teeth replaced with silver gives you a pedicure.
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