Last year I suggested the ESPY's would benefit from some new, more creative categories. Well, given another year, I've thought of a bunch more:
Football
- Best performance by a quarterback when faking going-for-it on fourth down.
- Peyton Manning award for longest audible.
- Most original facemask design
- Best endzone font
- Subtlest “deflated balls” double-entendre
- Most sarcastic throwing of a challenge flag
- Smuggest reference by CFL commentators to being on American TV
Baseball
- Most gratuitous old-timey ballpark feature.
- Most optimistically-placed "hit it here" sign.
- Best stalling before asking for a replay
- Most creative defensive shift
- Most character shown by an old batting helmet
- Ballpark whose centrefield amenities most exceed that city’s park system.
- Base coach achievement in blocking cameras
- Most rustic behind-home-plate half-wall
Soccer
- Best attempt by an MLS fan to act like a European fan.
- Goalkeeper whose uniform most clashes with teammates.
- Team with most unrecognisable alternate uniforms.
- Subtlest fake injury
- Best performance by a referee presenting a yellow card
- Most complex stutter-step approach to a penalty kick
Hockey
- Best analyst's excuse for why an obviously-dirty hit shouldn't have received a penalty.
- Hockey goalie/baseball catcher with equipment that best colour-coordinates with uniform.
- Most valiant attempt to pretend Americans care about hockey
Basketball
- Best performance by an injured player in street clothes to look involved in a time-out huddle
- Most non-committal attempt by a commentator to imply Lebron James is as good as Jordan
Team Awards
- Mascot that looks most like it could survive in the wild.
- Least racist portrayal of Native People
- Least ugly stadium exterior
- Most colour-coordinated fans
- Best performance by an owner shown reacting to events on the field
General Athletes’ Awards
- Most surgically rebuilt joints.
- Best below helmet/hat hair
- Best excuse for missing an all-star game
- Best acting in a post-free-agent-signing I-always-wanted-to-come-here speech
- Lebron James award for best image rehabilitation
Commentators Awards
- O.co award for career achievement in pronouncing sponsored stadium names without sounding stupid.
- Best attempt to sound sympathetic to fans caught in the rain/snow/cold while sitting in a comfortable booth
- John Madden award for best use of a sound or grunt as a word.
- Best attempt to ignore the crowd chanting a profanity.
- Breakthrough award for male sideline reporters or female commentators
And finally, a lifetime achievement award to the guy who recorded "Everybody clap your hands"
No comments:
Post a Comment