We're Cruisin' For A Nukin'

Canada hasn't had a good week on the public stage. First, Rob Ford reminded the world that he's still Rob Ford.  The good side of this is that he at least introduced the world to Toronto's multiculturalism by doing a Jamaican drunken rant. So maybe the Ford train-wreck could turn out positive for Toronto: council could make a deal that he can stay on as mayor as long as he agrees to have his stupors in places that reflect well on the city.  He could start flirting with the dancers at Caribana, throw up on a rollercoaster at the CNE, try riding one of the dinosaurs at the ROM.

Then there's Bieber.  He's deep into the Michael Jackson trajectory now: acting crazy, hanging out with whatever sycophants will tolerate him, all while cheered on by clueless fans. I could have had a tiny bit of sympathy for him if he at least showed some regret. But smiling for your mug shot after getting charged with  DUI? That was about the most punchable photo I've ever seen.

But the last straw, the thing that will finally get the rest of the world hating us, is something that has been under the radar so far. It's only getting media play in Britain, and predominantly for the remarkable headlines it generates. Those headlines are things along the lines of, Ghost Ship of Cannibal Rats Headed for Britain.

See, there was a Russian-owned ship that was abandoned in a Canadian port when the owners could no longer pay for its operation. The ship was going to be towed away to be dismantled for scrap, but it came loose in a storm, and an empty ship isn't worth risking anything to go after. It's believed to have made it most of the way across the Atlantic.  There are likely rats on board, and with no supply of food, they'll turn to cannibalism. The ship will eventually get to UK or Ireland and run aground.

One article I read tried to use the cannibal angle as reassurance, pointing out that there will be fewer rats left. True, but that means that only the strongest, champion rat will survive. Not just the usual rats you might find in the London sewers; this will be a giant rat, kicking open the ship's hatch, carrying the head of its rival, yelling, "There can be only one!" and ready to lead Britain's rats in an apocalyptic battle for revenge.  It will be a terrible mash-up of 28 Days Later and Watership Down, and whatever humans survive it are going to want to rescind confederation.