This Is Going To End Terribly

It's pretty clear that Canadian networks don't really understand the whole media conglomeration thing. Bell, Rogers, Shaw-Canwest-Global-whatever love the idea of reminding everyone what other properties they own. And I'm sure they love the thought that they're shepherding their audiences from one outlet to another. But in practice, this leads to things like sports announcers awkwardly shifting from commentary into a promo for Orphan Black.

But the awkwardness of media crossovers will reach new heights this weekend when Will Ferrell, as his Ron Burgundy alter ego, make an appearance at the Canadian Olympic curling trials. Who thought that was a good idea? Look, I've mentioned my problems with Ferrell in the past, but I'm wondering how many of his fans will turn out for curling. Is there that much of an intersection between curling fans and the potential audience for Anchorman 2? Sure, curling's older-skewing audience does many people who can remember the golden age of local news that the movie satirises, but that's also unlikely to be the people who go to movies.

So why would Farrell spend so much of his precious pre-release promotion time on such an unproductive publicity stunt? It could be that he just loves playing the character. It could be that he no longer has a personality of his own and is slowly turning into Ron Burgundy. But I really hope it's not this: that it's all about producing indirect marketing. Imagine: he yuks it up on the curling telecast; hardly anyone sees it, but TV stations and networks all over America pick up highlights of this goofy footage of the semi-fictional buffoon commenting on this oddball sport that no one understands. I wonder if curling/Winnipeg/TSN know they may be about to become patsies in someone's guerilla marketing campaign.

Hello Out There, We And Only We Are On The Air

There's lots of talk in Canada's media about the new NHL rights deal, in which Rogers Sportsnet has bought the national rights to show NHL games in Canada for the next twelve years for a cost of over five billion dollars. Putting aside the worries about whether this is the end of Hockey Night In Canada, and whether Don Cherry still has a job, there's been a lot of doubt about how good it is that one company has a monopoly for the near future.

Some people are hoping that this represents a shift in the NHL's picture of itself: if the league is getting a big chunk of its revenue from Canada, might it be more open to having more Canadian teams? On the other hand, they may realize that they've got all the money out of Canada that they're going to get, so there's no point in expanding here.

But I'm hoping the deal will be good for Canada in a totally different way. I've found it quite surprising and a little alarming how our highly connected, multichannel world has somehow seen Canada become more hockey obsessed. You'd think that all the media outlets would cause us to diversify our I interests, not to mention constant immigration from non-hockey-loving countries. But the media seems to be our enablers is this addiction. It's part of a widespread phenomena in broadcasting, in which adding channels somehow homogenizes the content. In the U.S. it causes countless reality shows, and in Canada it causes a focus on hockey. I hope some young Marshall McLuhan out there is working on the problem.

But now that TSN is largely shut out of hockey, they have little choice but to push the Canadian sports culture in a different direction. Yes, in response to the Sportsnet announcement, they pointed to their raft of hockey analysts as prof of their commitment to the game. But it seems hard to believe that they'll continue to put money into That's Hockey After Midnight or NHL Trade Deadline Three-Month Countdown if it's just going to get viewers excited about a sport on another network. TSN made big media properties out of the CFL and curling, so they do have some experience building up popular interest in sports pushed to the periphery.  And now they have the advantage they can easily outbid Sportsnet and its maxed-out budget for any other rights they want. So, Raptors, lacrosse, MLS, get ready for your closeup.

Cellevator

It just occurred to me that in the year since I've had this (mobile) phone, I don't think I've used it in the elevator yet. That may seem like an odd thing to point out, I realize.  But when I was non-mobile - on the tech outside looking in - the elevator was one of the prime places I saw people using their phones. Many people would whip the phone out before the doors had even closed, and be going through texts or tweets or something.

Elevators have always been awkward spaces for me; I'm unsure if I should start a conversation, or just watch the floors go by. Phones changed all that. I didn't have to worry about conversations when everyone else steps in and immediately buries their faces in their phones.  I assumed I'd eagerly take up this behaviour too, but it never did happen.  There never seems to be anything I can look up on the phone that can't wait the one minute until I get to my apartment.

What Else Do I Have To Say?

I was surprised at the fiftieth anniversary of JFK's assassination. I wasn't looking forward to all the self-important reminiscing. Insured is all seemed quite subdued. I'd even say Doctor Who won this weekend's battle of the incongruous fiftieth anniversaries. 

There was less of that usual "do you remember where you were when..." As there seemed a tacit acceptance that most of today's population wasn't anywhere. I actually felt sorry for the baby boomers for once.

But as a student of twentieth century history, I was disappointed in the superficial rehashing of Kennedy's life. According to today's media, there are two views of his legacy:

• He didn't really do much, and people's memories of him are just their projections of their own hopes and dreams.
• He did do something: he gave lots of speeches and gave people hope.

I'm sorry, am I the only person who remembers the Cuban Missile Crisis? It was one of the most difficult situations the U.S. has ever been in, and Kennedy managed to defend American interests while preserving the peace.  Moreover, the strategies recommended by virtually all other American politicians and military leaders would have been disastrous.  First, we all owe him a big thank you on that.  And second, it compares well with recent American actions which seem to be the opposite: failing to keep peace, and failing to make the country safer.

And The Wheelie Goes To...

I've heard comedians ask the question of why it took so long to think of putting wheels on suitcases. I propose that we go one step further and in inaugurate a new award: the Golden Suitcase Wheel. It would go to great inventions and innovations that took an inexplicably long time to make an appearance. I nominate these sideways plugs:

For years, devices that required a large plug had big, roughly cube-shaped plugs, blocking any lower outlets. But after just a few generations, someone thought of making them thinner and with most of the bulk off to the side. I believe it is the embodiment of the Golden Wheel's philosophy: the human race will always get it right, eventually.

Lies, Damn Lies, And Crack

Now that the Rob Ford cavalcade has calmed down a bit, people have a chance to look past the buffoonery and look at what he's actually been saying.  And when they do that, they see that he's also told a lot of bald-faced lies that have nothing to do with his troubling addictions and behaviours. He claimed he had a bigger electoral mandate than anyone in Canadian history (that wasn't even close to true - Ford didn't even have the biggest win in merged-Toronto's short history.) He claimed - as he often does - that he got Toronto the lowest tax increase in North America (San Antonio didn't even have an increase, and even economically-pummeled Windsor did better than Toronto.)

That's got me thinking about Ford's supporters and their motivation. Their explanation for standing by him is that whatever his behavior, he's been a good mayor. And their definition of "Good Mayor" revolves around telling-it-like-it-is and saving the taxpayer money. His personal life may be a disaster, but he's forthright and cares about the little guy.

Which makes the above lies seem curious. Yes, it may not be unusual to hear about a politician lying, but this is a guy who portrays himself as the outsider type, someone who's above all that. And yet he doesn't just lie, he makes big, easily-disproven lies, rather than hiding his lies in exaggerations and lies-of-omission like most politicians.

As for his record, he and his followers frequently claim a billion dollars in taxpayer savings. He has done a lot of the work one would expect of a conservative politician, though the billion dollar figure relies on some fishy accounting.  But even if you believe the whole billion dollar claim, that saving will still be swallowed up by the extra cost to implement his transit plans, as compared to the plan he canceled upon taking office. You'd think that conservative voters would see this as more of what they're starting to tire of in conservative politicians: they practice austerity, but blow the savings on pet projects, never actually reducing the size of government.

So if Rob Ford just mediocre as a conservative, and worse-than-average for honesty, why do people love him enough to overlook his shortcomings?  My guess is that he's straightforward.  His lies may be bad, but they're simple.  His claims and his plans - whether good or bad - don't sound politiciany.  It's easy for him to play the outsider role: he may have many of the traits that people hate in politicians, but he still doesn't seem like a politician.

Skipping Meals

I made jokes recently about Soylent, a Silicon Valley startup that is making a nutrient drink that can replace any meal. Let's put aside the name and look at the product, since it's an interesting idea: a drink that provides for all the human body's nutritional needs.  Many people react with disgust at this concept, and it seems to be more than just their ill-chosen name.

The premise of this product seem to be, why eat food when you don't have to? I can understand why that question rubs people the wrong way: I'm no foodie, but even I get enough enjoyment out of eating that I wouldn't want to give it up for convenience. Thus, the company is being characterized as the geek lifestyle run wild, in which physical activities are just an inconvenience.

But really, I think the company may be on to something. While I often enjoy eating, I do also consider it inconvenient at times. I'm trying to picture myself at the moment I'm about to prepare a meal, and giving myself the offer that I can give up the pleasure of this meal, and with it, the inconvenience of preparation and washing. If I'm being honest, I have to admit that for many meals - probably the majority of them - my answer would be to just skip it.  Looking at it that way, it seems like a good deal: go ahead and treat yourself to your favourite food occasionally, a weekly big production of a meal, and the odd dinner out.  But then replace the rest of the meals.  The leftovers, the frozen stuff, the generic sandwiches and cereal: just take a quick drink and be done with it.

Rebel Without A Cause

A guy wrote in to the paper yesterday, suggesting that what we need is to vote against all incumbents.  Not, "vote for the party that's not in power" rather, "vote against any politician who currently holds office."

That is a new level for blanket anger against politicians. There are of course, a lot of people out there who who blame politicians for all our problems.  But usually they blame a party, an ideology, the systems of government, or the human race in general.  I've never seen anyone focus so specifically on people in office.

Even though popular anger at leaders seems to be increasing, I was surprised by this.  I disagree with politicians as much as anyone, but I think it's silly to believe that voters and our institutions are perfect, honest, and blameless, and it's just the incompetence and dishonesty of politicians that causes everything to go wrong.

That's a hard belief to maintain, especially if we're the ones electing them. Some people hang on to it by focussing on one party or the other as the source of our problems. The support this party not because of ideology, but because they're supposedly inherently more honest, and all the evil people ate just attracted to the other side.

But the anybody-but-incumbents philosophy takes it further. Somehow, the better choice is always the one that the public didn't make. One would think this belief would lead to the conclusion that the problem is we, the voters.

And yet, this extreme opinion is not that different from some views that are more mainstream. What are term limits, if not a belief that the office-holder is inherently inferior to someone who is not in office?

Where's Charlton Heston When You Need Him?

There's a new startup in Silicon Valley called Soylent. You guessed it, they make a radical new foodstuff. It's raised a number of questions: have venture capitalists fallen into their bad habits of throwing money recklessly at any new idea? Is this an idea that will appeal only to techies rather than the general population? Is this really the most pressing food related problem right now?

I prefer to ask the question: is this the dumbest company name ever? I mean, even if there hadn't been a movie about a food with a nasty secret called Soylent Green, the name is still too close to Solyndra. I think it's vaulted to number one my list of the worst product names ever.

Herpecin: as you may know, cold sores are just the oral form of herpes. But that doesn't mean they wasn't too be reminded of it.

NWA (airline): Northwest Airlines decided - quite understandably - that they wanted to shorten their name. And while I realize that African Americans are under-represented in corporate America, I can't believe that name made it from the boardroom to the ground without a single person saying, hey, didn't there used to be a rap group named that? Perhaps we should look up some of their songs to see if it's the sort of thing we want to be associated with.

MATRIX: not actually a product, but a dumb name nonetheless. It was a computer system to share information between law-enforcement organizations to find terrorists.  At a time when people were becoming concerned about the intrusion of government anti-terror agencies, they just had to come up with a name that doesn't make people think of big, evil computer systems.  So they called it the Multi-state Anti-Terrorist Information eXchange. 

I'm Such A Baby 'Cause The Dolphins Make Me Reassess Notions Of Masculinity

There's been a lot of talk in the football world about the bullying scandal in which Miami Dolphins' Richie Incognito is accused of harassing teammate Jonathan Martin to the point that Martin left the team midseason. Overall, I've been pleasantly surprised with people's reaction to it. There have been defenders of hazing, and the "man-up" philosophy of sports and masculinity, but those have mainly been from the periphery. Mainstream sports pundits have roundly criticized the concept.  Also, I've learned that some coaches have banned hazing, on the sensible idea that singling out some team members for negative treatment is going to take away from the team feeling.

A lot has been made of the fact that so many teammates have taken Incognito's side. Though I would point out that none of them have been saying he did what he was accused of doing, and I support that. Rather, they've been saying that they never saw the sort of behaviour he's been accused of.

Honestly, I don't think they're lying. The fact is that bullying is often less clear than we expect. I say that slightly reluctantly, because that aspect of the story has pushed some journalists away. That's one complaint I do have about the coverage: once the teammates started denying Martin's characterization, I noticed a few journalists start to gloss over the story, saying little more than, "it's complicated." And I'm sure, saying to themselves, thank God I don't have to care about that anymore.

Well the fact is, it can be complicated. Bullying can be inconsistent, done in private, or done in a perverse attempt at friendship. Victims may cover their torment out of embarrassment, an attempt to fit in, or an attempt at placating the bully. And bystanders may not see everything because they don't have the experience to see the signs, or because they just want to believe everything is all right. Hopefully this story will be a learning experience for all of us.

Things The Teenage Me Would Never Have Believed About The Future, #10

You know how Toronto is always concerned about their image, and trying to appear "World Class?"  Well, it will take just one week to undo all that effort.

You See, I'm Slightly Left Of Centre

Years ago I read Boom, Bust and Echo about the effects that demographics have on society.  I've always taken an interest in that sort of thing.  So I've been prepared for many nuances of Generation-X's trajectory through life.  I was ready to have difficulty getting promoted as Baby Boomers held higher corporate positions.  I was ready housing bubbles as the Boomers downsized from their empty nests.  I was ready for the negatives that population shifts would send my way.

But I was not ready for commercials trying to make adult undergarments cool.  I realize it makes sense; as the Boomers move on to the senior years, there's going to be more seniors' products being marketed.  But that is still small comfort when the Tena Twist jingle is going through my head.  And if that guy asking people to try them on for charity ever approaches me, I'm going to tell him where to stick his adult undergarments.  Then I'm going to explain that I meant it in a figurative and insulting way, not a literal, recommended-product-use way.

And I was not ready for the erectile-dysfunction ads.  I know they've been roundly ridiculed already, but to me the funniest part is not the four-hour-erection warning.  The silliest thing is how they have replaced tampons as the products we have to advertise while only hinting at what they actually do.  For instance, these endless Cialas ads use parents carving out time for themselves as an implication of sex.  But my biggest concern is the effect they'll be having on children, who must be second-guessing everything their parents say now.  "Good news, my mother says I can stay out past my curfew...Oh My God! My parents are having sex!"

Still Waiting For The McDLT

The McRib is back!  Actually, I don't really care, I've never had one.  But lots of people love it; just this week I heard someone try ordering it at the local food court, and was disappointed that our fun-size McDonalds doesn't carry it.

A while back, I heard a claim that the reason the McRib is only offered intermittently is that it all comes down to pork prices.  Over the past decade, it seems that the McRib was always introduced when the price of pork went down.  So I checked out current prices; they have indeed gone down, though not dramatically. 

I wonder what else they could apply it to.  I see the price of lamb took a big dip about eighteen months ago; they missed a chance to bring in the McMutton. 

Lyrics Belong Only On Cassette Liner-Notes

The music industry is moving to shut down lyric web sites. If you've ever wondered at the lyrics of a song, and thought to Google "<name of song> lyrics", you know that there are a number of sites that are storehouses of song lyrics submitted by other users. Being non-professional, they aren't necessarily correct, but it's easier, faster and less embarrassing than just asking your friends.  But the top fifty such sites have been served with cease & desist orders.

Unlike most techies, I'm actually okay with people protecting intellectual property. I was still in university when music piracy was starting to become big, and I was one of the few people trying to explain to everyone that file sharing was illegal, and frankly immoral. One of the big songs at the time was Elton John's rerecording of "Candle in the Wind," which was sold for charity, so I tried using it to demonstrate the problem with not paying for music. And as a long time fan of independent music, my mental picture of a musician is more needy that most, so I understand their need to get whatever money is due the them.

Yet, this lyrics crackdown is an example of what I hate about copyright. The argument is that these lyric sites - which make money off advertising - are making money off of other people's creations. That's true, but the fact is that no one else is making money off them. Absolutely no one is going to not buy music because they can read the lyrics on line. And the musicians/record companies are not providing the lyrics themselves. So no one is being prevented from making money by the lyric sites. I could understand their concern if artists or labels were publishing lyrics make money off advertising themselves. It would be a good idea if they did have official lyric sites.  I'd gladly use them, as they'd be more reliable. I might finally learn the opening words to "Sing Me Spanish Techno."

What do you hear?  Lyrics sites are divided between "go to now" and "don't you know."   But it still sounds like "go to hell" to me.  Oh, and remember, you have to buy the album now that you've watched the video.

But no one is making money legally off the lyrics; the lyrics sites are providing a service that the record labels are not willing to, so the record labels and artists are not hurt by them, and they will not gain anything from their disappearance. In other words, I'm okay with protecting the money you make off your own creations, but that doesn't mean you have to prevent anyone else from making money off of them.

From China Without Love

Today was Singles Day in China.  It's an unofficial holiday in which young people celebrate being single.  It's become so popular that it is now biggest online shopping day in the world, putting The West's Valentine's Day to shame. I feel a great satisfaction to see my single brethren win the game of global capitalism.

Most news stories about this are just seeing it as yet another piece of evidence that China is taking over the world. But you could also see it as evidence of China's demographic problems. Their One-Child policy is well known, and combined with male-preferring cultural traditions, it's led to selective abortions and far more sinister ways of ensuring that one child is male. Thus, China has a generation in which men greatly outnumber women, and a lot of single men.

Those are some disturbing overtones to this story, so I'm trying to look at the positive: the Chinese started a rather melancholy holiday as a joke, and they ran with it. I'd love to see more of this from China. During their ascent, they've been portrayed as either an unemotional machine, or as a cryptic, alien culture. But this makes them seem human, and likable.

It's a lot like Japan in the eighties. I grew up during their economic rise, and they were portrayed the same way in media. Today they don't seem scary at all. Their economic stagnation had certainly played a part in that, but the culture they expected had a lot to do with that too, from video games to anime to sushi. It's hard to fear people once you know that they created Hello Kitty.

I'm a Uniter, Not a Divider

Yesterday I implied that hockey and curling represent different ends of the Canadian cultural spectrum. So what can bring this country together? NHL endorsed curling brooms!

Does That Make Four Solitudes?

When people talk about the Summit Series, they often talk about the national soul-searching that came with realizing we might not be the best in the world at Hockey, which seemed to be the only way we defined ourselves. But we won the series, so we managed to avoid all that.

And during the Rob Ford Crack Crisis, I now think I know what it would have been like if we had lost, and actually had to redefine ourselves.  A lot of people are noting that the dichotomy of Ford vs. Canadian stereotypes is evidence of Canada's two emerging personalities.  I'd have to agree.  And by coincidence, I came across this chart which I made months ago but never got around to posting:

Sport	Hockey	Curling
Liberal Prime Minister	Jean Chretien	Pierre Trudeau
Mulroney Cabinet Member	John Crosbie	Joe Clark
80' Rock Group	April Wine	Rush
Current Rock Group	Nickleback	Arcade Fire
TV Network	CTV	CBC
Adult-Contemporary Singer	Shania	Feist
TV Comic	Rick Mercer	Ron James
Hockey Analyst	Don Cherry	Dave Hodge
Nation-Defining Celebration	Vancouver 2010	Expo 67
Newfoundland Premier	Danny Williams	Clyde Wells
Hip-Hop Star	Drake	K'Naan
Definitive Degrassi Series	Degrassi TNG	Degrassi Junior High
Toronto Newspaper	Toronto Sun	Toronto Star
Supposedly National Toronto Newspaper	National Post	Globe and Mail
Music Awards	Junos	Polaris
Toronto's Football Team	Bills	Argos
Toronto Mayor	Rob Ford	David Miller

What's weird is that even as we change our national personality, we still seem to hold on to pride in our stereotypical character. 

This Could Be Anywhere In The World

The German word schadenfreude means taking joy in another's misfortune. Usually when anyone mentions it, they have to make a joke about how only the Germans would need such a word. I like to point out that the English language apparently needs such a word too, which is apparent since we adopted the German word.  And at least the Germans didn't try to avoid responsibility by co-opting someone else's word.

Anyway, there's now a word defined in Urban Dictionary, schadenforde. It's deriving pleasure from the misfortune of Toronto mayor Rob Ford. Of course, there's been plenty of opportunity to do exactly that in recent months.
 
But I find myself having a sort of second-order schadenforde, in which I take pleasure in watching others experience misfortune as they realize they have a racist, lying, multi-addicted, irresponsible bully as mayor, and a lot of the city wants it that way. No, this isn't an I-hate-Toronto situation: as I said a few months back, I've made some amount of peace with the city. Besides, part of my guilty pleasure comes from the fact that really, Rob Ford could have happened anywhere.

All it takes is a large number of people who don't normally follow politics and have an unfocused anger. That describes a lot of cities.  We've known for a while that there are a lot of voters who don't really follow the news, feel highly persecuted in spite of living a comfortable life, and feel very little connection with other people in their community.  It's a big problem, but we've always looked the other way.  Finally we have a more accurate picture of our society and the people in it.

Gag Me With A Greasy Spoon

This weekend I went to Wimpy's diner. Like many modern diners, it goes for a fifties aesthetic. And, like many modern diners, it isn't always accurate in its depiction. I don't mind if the food is not necessarily straight from the decade (I ordered a wrap) but the decor could be better. For instance, there are a bunch of records tacked to the wall. I tried to check what the records were, but the only label I could read while seated turned out to be Howard Jones. I could have given them a pass on a fifties-flavoured eighties artist like Huey Lewis, but not a only-in-the-eighties synth-abuser. It didn't help that the muzak played the Pet Shop Boys shortly after.

That brings up something I'd like to see: an eighties-oriented eatery. But an eighties diner wouldn't make much sense: diners use fifties style because they're a part of that decade's culture. So what form would an eighties eatery take? I'm envisioning a fast food place. Yes, I know, fast food is older that that, but it seemed to come of age in the eighties. We had "where's the beef?", non-ironic use of The Burger King, and the more-than-occasional Grimace sighting.

I see a fast food place that is unapologetic - no modernist architecture and urban-cafe interior styling - I want all rounded-plastic furniture. All the food comes in Styrofoam containers.  You can't order drinks: you take the Pepsi Challenge and you're stuck with whatever wins.  Fifties-style diners usually have the "mens" and "womens" on the washroom doors signified by pictures of Elvis and Marilyn Monroe.  Instead, we'll have Michael Jackson and Madonna.

I'm hoping some of this will actually happen. As we approach 2015, the year they went to in Back To The Future II, someone will make a real Café 80's.

Rear-Window Confessional

I know I've already complained about the stick figure families on the back of SUV's and minivans. It's a trend that doesn't look like it's going away. On the contrary, there are now lots of variations: aside from showing the family doing their favourite activities, you can also have them wearing the uniform of their favourite sports team. Or you can show your family as zombies. Or Star Wars characters. Speaking of which: if you're depicting R2-D2 as part of your family, doors that represent your pet or your child? Or your Roomba?

What's interesting is how they tell stories about a family. Not so much if you have a stereotypical family with a stick-father, stick-mother, and 2.2 stick-kids. But if I see just one parent and kids, I feel sympathy for what they've been through. I suppose you'd only put your kids on if you have exclusive custody: otherwise you'd want to just have a dotted outline of your kids.

On the other hand, if it's two parents and no kids, it feels like they're rubbing it in. They're saying, not only are we unimpeded by children, we're still young and innocent enough to use this meme that was intended for children. On the other hand, it's so sad to see a minivan with two parent stickers but no kids, they've probably been trying for a while.

Sometimes the stickers tell a weird story. Once I saw men playing hockey, two men drinking, a couple of kids, and three dogs. I'd love to know the story behind that.

So rather that be angry about this trend, I've become supportive of it. It's our culture's attempt to tell stories through pictures, the way the Maori use tattoos. Don't stop at displaying your familial arrangements; tell your whole life story in your back window. Maybe I'll have some sympathy for you when you cut me off if I can see your unhappy childhood in the process.