Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The Big Q Stands For Questionable

For a while now, Quaker State motor oil has been advertising a promotion: if your car gets to 400,000kms (using Quaker State, I assume) they'll pay you the amount your car is worth.  They're not buying the car - you get to keep it - you just get the money you would have gotten if you sold it.

This begs a couple of questions.  First and most obvious: how much is a car with 400,000kms on the odometer going to be worth?  Less obvious but more damning is when you think how this deal is going to work for them.  If your car lasts a long time, they pay;  if your car doesn't last, they don't pay.  Essentially, they're betting against your car lasting!

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Oh Yeah? I'll Show You How To Insult Microsoft!

Vanity Fair has an article by Kurt Eichenwald on Microsoft's poor performance over the last decade, since current CEO Steve Ballmer took over.  It's interesting, and offers a peek into the problems of managing a technology company.  But I thought it missed a few important concepts.  I could write this in the comments section at the Vanity Fair web site, but why, when I have my own virtual Speakers' Corner here?

Oh, and if you're not willing to read the article, I can summarise it quickly.  Microsoft's problems of the last Ten Years are due to:
  • Management's myopic fixation on the core products, Windows and Office
  • An inflexible employee evaluation system that discouraged cooperation
  • The lack of a soaring stock price that took away employees' interest in the good of the company

First, he seems to equate Microsoft's success with "cool."  The fact is, Microsoft was only cool for a few years in the late seventies or early eighties.  Even a late-thirties techie like myself is too young to remember it.  I'm not saying this to insult the mighty MS, I'm just trying to pinpoint it's place in tech culture.  The truth is that for most of its existence, Microsoft has been technology's Wal-Mart: No one - with the possible exception of your Aunt Phyllis - thinks they're cool, but everyone thinks of them as accessible and reliable, so they're wildly successful.

But worse, Eichenwald - like so many mainstream reporters over the years - really misunderstands Microsoft's strengths.  So often their success has been attributed to "innovation."  The truth is that Microsoft has rarely been innovative, at least in the sense of inventing new products or concepts.  Their real secret has been their adaptability, taking any new concept bouncing around the technology world and bringing a usable version of it the mass market quickly.  They're the Madonna of software.

Along similar lines, he perpetuates an idea that's been a long-time pet peeve of mine in the mainstream media:  that any technological empire is always one unexpected innovation from irrelevance.  That is, some college kid could invent something tomorrow that would take down Google or Apple, and the big company would have no defence against it. 

It's certainly true in technology there are a lot of paradigm shifts.  (And yes, I felt dirty using that phrase.)  If you think of the auto industry, the American Car companies had to survive two shifts: one was to mass production, and the other the rising price of oil and the simultaneous arrival of foreign competition.  That's two paradigm shifts in a century.  And in the second case, it took about fifty years to go from hubris to collapse.  In technology, you face those shifts every few years, and you can disappear just as quickly.

In his zeal to portray Microsoft non-investor Warren Buffet as the Daedalus to Bill Gates's Icarus, Eichenwald perpetuates this misconception.  But the idea that a tech giant is powerless to deal with those changes in the market is simplistic.  There's plenty of strategies - of varying levels of morality - that the established company can take to defend itself.  Once again that's Microsoft's traditional strength: their remarkable ability to adapt to the changing market.

Really, Microsoft managed to successfully survive two big paradigm shifts: command-line operating systems to graphical user interfaces, then stand-alone computers to the Internet.  Along the way they also handled several smaller shifts (like the rise of multi-media software or using databases on PCs.)  Eichenwald misses that it's this lack of flexibility, not the lack of innovation, that is the big problem.  For instance, he makes a big deal of Microsoft burying an ahead-of-its-time e-reader.  You can understand how that is frustrating from an intellectual standpoint, but the fact is that the underwhelming Zune music player and it's inability to dent the iPod's market share was a better example of how Microsoft has gotten away from doing what Microsoft does best.

And one last thing: I'd lose my geek credentials if I didn't point out the article's many technological missteps.  It's clear Eichenwald doesn't know a lot about computer technology, and has misunderstood much of what he learned for this article.  It's not a major problem: the technology isn't the focus of the article.  But surely someone at Vanity Fair knows someone who knows computers who could have proof-read this.  I mean, the magazine does have a website after all.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

I Like Every Kind Of Fair, In The Crowd, You Bet I'll Be There

I live near a downtown park, and during the summer it is host to a number of weekend festivals.  The focus of the festivals change - just off the top of my head I can think of annual celebrations of books, ribs, multiculturalism, children, non-violence, and gay pride.  I don't really put much of an effort into knowing when these events are coming up.  Just sometimes I go outside to find the park packed with people.

Today when I stepped out of my building, I heard the familiar sound of one of these festivals.  I hadn't thought about it until that moment, but they all seem to have the same sound.  That sound is made up of:
  • The discordant sound of several songs of various different songs being played through bad speakers with the bass turned up
  • The hum of many generators and compressors
  • Young children screaming, between them expressing the entire range of human emotions
  • A dozen cars idling while waiting for parking spots
  • Somewhere in there, countless conversations in a variety of languages and accents.

But today the weirdest thing happened.  I heard the sound as soon as I left my building, but when I arrived at the park, it was empty.  I could still hear the music and everything as I strolled across the open grass, but the only people there were a largish family barbecue.  Clearly the sound was coming from another part of downtown, but with sound reverberating off of buildings, you couldn't decipher what direction it was coming from. 

So I had the lonely experience of wandering around largely empty streets, hearing a party going on all around me that I somehow couldn't see.  Eventually I found the source: the main street closed-off for a motorcycle show.  Despite stereotypes, it seemed like a really happy, cordial get-together.  I even saw a couple of places where Harleys were parked next to Japanese bikes.

Eventually I got to the cafe I had been headed for, and when I walked in, it was completely empty of all people and furniture.  Had I not already known they were going to move next-door at some point this summer, I probably would have lost my remaining sanity right there.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Prodigious Firestarters

I was pretty happy with the London Olympic opening ceremonies.  It seemed to have a good selection of British culture without having to resort to ancient history.  That's good, since the British can be like fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs: drawing pride entirely from the achievements of the distant past. They had something from just about all of modern Britain.  I heard the one guy complain there was no Doctor Who.  Actually I thought I did hear the Tardis sound effect during "Bohemian Rhapsody."  But if you're going to go into that kind of detail, I didn't see anyone from The Office or Ab Fab either.  I didn't notice any Hitchhiker's Guide reference, but then I didn't count, maybe they had 42 dancing nurses.

However, I was disappointed in the broadcast of it.  If you're not here in Canada, you wouldn't have seen the broadcast I did, but you may have similar complaints about your own broadcaster.  My main comment to the announcers would be this: Shut up.  I'm not even sure the ceremonies need commentators, other than to fill time during the interminable parade of athletes.  I know the whole thing isn't really a great work of art, but I would say that on the scale from "art" to "cheese," Olympic opening ceremonies are much closer to the art end than, say, dance numbers at the Oscars.  And yet we don't seem to need commentators there.  It wouldn't be so bad if they actually had anything to add to the broadcast.  Like say when rapper Dizzee Rascal was performing; he isn't well known outside of the Britain, so it would be nice to introduce him.  But instead, Lisa LaFlamme just assumed we didn't want to hear him and talked over his performance without any acknowledgement.  Also, when she started to talk about the author of Mary Poppins, then realised mid-sentence that she didn't know who wrote it, well that said everything about the media's talk-first-think-second philosophy.  And Brian Williams, if you feel the need to talk over the moment of silence, you've got some serious ego problems.

Earlier I joked that Mr. Bean would light the Olympic flame.  I was shocked that I turned out to be much closer than I ever expected, in that he was actually part of the opening ceremony.  Having young athletes do it was high on symbolism but low on intrigue.  The cauldron made up of the dozens of "petals" was very beautiful, but I have to say on behalf of all Canadians: Okay, we get it, we should have made sure all the torches at the Vancouver opening actually worked. 

So here's my list of other appropriate people to light the cauldron in Britain:
  • James Bond, using some kind of pen laser
  • A dalek, say in an attempt to exterminate David Beckham
  • A football hooligan, in attempting to burn down the stadium
  • A backfiring MG
  • Roger Bannister, after running another four-minute mile
  • A descendant of Guy Fawkes
  • Or, for that matter, V (as in "For Vendetta")
  • King Arthur, using The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch

A Big Star at a Theatre Near You

Lots of times when a movie star has a new film out, TV channels will show some of that star's older movies.  Top Gun is on again?  Cruise must have a movie out.  I'm sure it's not some corporate conspiracy - often the channels have no connection with the movie studio.  The TV people are just capitalising on the star's current spot in the public consciousness.

So I'm suspicious when I see that tonight the movie Best In Show is on, which stars Fred Willard.  But maybe that was just a coincidence.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Let the Games Begin

Watching the British getting ready for the Olympics, I'm starting to think that they are actually more enthusiastic about the games than the Chinese were.  Where's the traditional British cynicism?  I hear talk of whining or complaining among the people, but I expect more sophisticated complaints out of the UK.  Yes, they made the TV show Twenty Twelve, but I still find myself wishing I could see what Spitting Image would have done with the Olympics.

Anyway, the games are often seen as a symbol that the host nation has arrived on the world stage.  That was certainly the case with Beijing in 2008.  But Britain seems to be seeing it as keeping them on the world stage.  Which means there's even more pressure on them to put on a big show than there was for China, yet the British have to reach that high bar in the middle of a depressed economy.  I think the only way they'll create an opening ceremony as memorable as Beijing is if the mysterious flame lighter turns out to be Mr. Bean, who then proceeds to burn down the stadium.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

In Soviet Russia, the Birds Watch You

I'm not a bird watcher, but I have picked up an interest from my parents.  Like so many people, I know it's only a matter of time until I buy binoculars and a Peterson Guide.  But even as a senior citizen, I don't see me having the patience for bird watching.

So I'm going to put my own spin on it, and become an Inverse Bird Watcher.  That is, I'm not going to count the different species of birds that I see; I'm going to count the different places I see birds.  Already I've compiled a pretty good list just this year:
  • my balcony
  • treeless urban streets
  • the local grocery store
  • several shopping malls
  • my building's parking garage

As long as sparrows keep reproducing and cities keep sprawling, my new hobby will keep going.