Sun Life On My Shoulders

I’m stuck here watching the traditional NBA Christmas games, since it’s that or watch year-end retrospectives or sitcom marathons, or get into the twenty-first century and pay for a streaming service. I should have invited someone to watch them. I know the Raptors aren’t doing anything today, I could have asked them. Of course, that’s Canadian basketball’s yearly complaint, that it doesn’t matter how many winning seasons the Raps have, they’ll never get invited to play on one of the Christmas Day marquee games. At the same time, it doesn’t matter how bad the Knicks get, they’ll just keep getting invited back.

But I should acknowledge that this complaint is not just unique to Toronto this year. Not only are the Raps not playing despite leading the league, the Western Conference leading Denver Nuggets are also at home to unwrap presents and watch 28th-out-of-30 New York stagger around the court. I’m sure some folks are putting together anti-Canadian conspiracy theories based on the fact that one of their key players is Canada’s own Jamal Murray.

It’s more likely that the Denver market just isn’t important enough to the American broadcasters. You see the same thing in Baseball, where the Sunday night national telecast has become a tiresome rotation of the same few teams over and over. No, I’m not expecting them to show the Blue Jays — at least over the last couple of years — but teams like Milwaukee and, again, Colorado get ignored even when they have good teams. Having said that, smaller markets Portland and Utah are coming up in the Christmas night game, so you could also chalk this up to the broadcasters and league doing a bad job of predicting which teams will be good this year. If next Christmas features the Nuggets playing the Knicks while the defending-champion Raptors sit, then we can go back to Canadian indignation.

But one thing you can appreciate when watching multiple NBA games is the oddness of the league’s uniform sponsors. Starting at the beginning of last season, teams have had a corporate logo on their uniforms. It’s nice and tasteful, rather than the giant ads used in soccer or the WNBA. So I’m filing it with the NHL’s shootouts under sports ideas I hated but surprisingly don’t get angry about.

It helps that there haven’t been any embarrassing ad associations. That’s in sharp contrast to venue names, where most of the names are okay, but you feel stupid talking about Sleep Train Arena or Smoothie King Center. Actually, it’s been nice that many teams have sponsorship from local companies, such as Harley Davidson for Milwaukee or Goodyear for Cleveland.

But what’s odd is that even though the less-lucrative teams like Sacramento have not had to take sponsorship from Depends or Preparation H, the more popular teams haven’t taken sponsorship from the Blue Chips. Like, you’d think the Warriors would have a bidding war that only the richest companies could hope to win. Say, a local company like Google or Apple. But no, their sponsor is Rakuten, which is a Japanese e-commerce company and not, as I had assumed, a sound effect from Street Fighter. Apparently it’s a big company, I’m just surprised that a bigger American company didn’t want it. Or, to put it another way, Rakuten is apparently called “the Amazon of Japan,” yet they wanted to sponsor an American sports team even more than the Amazon of America did.

And the Lakers should be a big score too, given their history and their Lebron James. But again, they’re sponsored by Wish. Sure, that’s a big company, but you’d expect the Lakers to be sponsored by Exxon or something, if only to match the Celtics and their GE ads. Okay, I guess the current Lakers are promising, but haven’t truly arrived yet, which is sort of like ordering from Wish.

My point is that the ads aren’t really the prestige item you might expect; many companies are seeing it as a path to legitimacy. I guess it’s sort of like a Super Bowl ad. Sure, Coke or GM might make one, but a lot of the time it’s just some dot-com betting half their funding on making a big impression with the public.

Welcome To The Satire House

I always liked the song, "Bohemian Like You" by the Dandy Warhols. Yes, I know, it may pale in comparison to the other song with Bohemian in the title, but it's still a fun and catchy song. (This is the censored, but probably still NSFW video:)



For one thing, it's great to hear hipsters playfully making fun of themselves. Though they may have a reputation for being humourously self-important, the fact is that they can (mostly) laugh at themselves just as much as anyone.

But I heard it on the radio recently, and the DJ pointed out that although it's clearly about hipsters, it doesn't use that word because the song was released in 2000, which was before hipsters were really a thing. But even if they weren't recognized by most people, here's a song written by and for hipsters, and it's making fun of them. So hipsters had identified their own culture and started ridiculing it before the general population. Or, to put it another way, they were making fun of hipsters before it was cool. So that's it, there is nothing that hipsters won't do before everyone else discovers it.

Cold Comfort

Recently we've had controversy because some radio stations have banned the song, "Baby, It's Cold Outside" for its connotations of date rape. While you might think that this is a result of oversensitivity in the age of #MeToo, I have to point out that people were finding it kind of creepy for years before. I also have to point out that others claim the song was originally intended quite differently: the idea was that the young lady wants to spend the night with the man, but social mores of the time prevent it, so the two of them are trying to build up the idea of the bad weather to give her an acceptable excuse to stay.

I'm no expert on the moral nuances of the 1940's so I can't say which interpretation is correct, but there's one thing I do know: The Anti-PC crowd has been so distracted by this that I haven't had to endure a single It's-Merry-Christmas-not-Happy-Holidays rant. Wow, all it took was sacrificing a song that lots of people hated anyway. We should do this every year.

The other big story that's been getting the goat of the Politically Incorrect is that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has demanded that we stop using phrases involving the disrespect of animals, such as "getting your goat." As I've observed before, PETA has a strange random targetting pattern, where they make proclamations as it occurs to them, not caring what the reaction to them.

As a liberal with an interest in political strategy, that's the sort of action that costs me patches of hair and years off my life: So many people and organizations just act on what ever they feel like, without asking if this is the battle we really need to be fighting right now, or if it will lead to a backlash that does more harm than good. And PETA is clearly the worst for this, regularly picking fights that make its whole cause a laughingstock for no gain at all.

And yet, part of me admires that bold disregard for consequences. I think we all admire audacity, and PETA has it in spades, even if it doesn't come with much guidance. Hey, you know who else likes people who act without considering the consequences? The Anti-PC crowd. Once again, the extremes have a lot in common.

Seattle Slew

As a hipster who places a great value on morality, I don't have many guilty pleasures. If I believe something is morally wrong, I can't take pleasure in it. But if I enjoy something, I believe you should assert your individuality by enjoying it without guilt.

But one guilty pleasure I do have is the pageantry around sports. As a kid, I practiced drawing by recreating the logos of sports teams. Today I still love that. I have strong opinions on which teams need to adjust their colour schemes. Can the Canucks build around Elias Pettersson, or is he not tough enough to withstand the rigours of an NHL season? Beats me, but I can tell you they should use a darker shade of blue.

So the news that Seattle could be getting a team is pretty exciting, since it will require a new name, logo, uniforms, etc. Yes, I know, everyone wants Quebec to get a replacement for the Nordiques so we can have a return to the Battle of Quebec and really stick it to Gary Bettman. But a whole new team in a new place opens up so many possibilities. As soon as the franchise became official, everyone started brainstorming possible team names. Here are some of the top suggestions I've seen so far:

Seattle Metropolitans

Hockey historians will know that back before the NHL was formed, when the Stanley Cup was awarded to the winner of a series between the champions of top leagues of the time, a team called the Seattle Metropolitans became the first American team to win the Cup. So some people will automatically go with that historical name. It might be too much like the New York Mets, though you could also shorten it to "Metros." Also, people are reminding us that there is a Metropolitan division - silly me, I keep calling it the Patrick division - so I guess this name isn't going to fly.

Seattle Steelheads

That's a type of Rainbow Trout, which has a nice ring to it. And if there's one thing the world needs, it's more fish-based sports teams.

Seattle Sockeyes

A different fish direction, it makes a veiled reference to hockey's fight culture just as it's disappearing. And this logo idea looks great and puts Vancouver's to shame, even if it is epic cultural appropriation.

Seattle Kraken

The Kraken was made famous in Clash of the Titans movies, but it's from an old Norse myth, so there's no copyright concerns here. Of course, being a Norse myth, that means the Kraken lives in the Atlantic, far from Seattle. And the Kraken is usually depicted as an octopus or squid-like creature, and the Red Wings have an octopus as an unofficial symbol. Still, some people put a lot of thought into this particular nickname, and I kind of want to see it.

Seattle Sasquatches

I had no idea Americans even knew what a Sasquatch is. You can't say Seattle Sasquatches five times quickly. And what would the short version be, "the Squatches?" But this team could have a great logo.

Seattle Totems

They used to have a minor league team called the Totems, so this is one of the leading possibilities. You’d think they'll steer clear of indigenous names, but whenever the issue comes up, we're assured that this is a tribute to native peoples, and naming a sports team after one of their religious artifacts couldn't possibly be take the wrong way. I figure that if this name is selected, Seattlites can resign themselves to this team being a Browns-style disaster, since it takes a special kind of incompetence to voluntarily take on that problem.

Fun fact: the Totems minor league team was awarded an NHL expansion team in the 70's, but their financing fell apart before they could get the team started.

Seattle Emeralds

Apparently Seattle is the Emerald City. Fans could do lots of fun things with Wizard of Oz references.

Seattle Seals

Some people are seriously suggesting this. They might want to acquaint themselves with some hockey history.

Seattle Eagles

It's a bit more obscure part of hockey history, but that also has a precedent.

Seattle Firebirds

I don't know what the connection to Seattle is, but I'd love to see jerseys with the Trans Am flaming chicken on them.

Seattle Whales

I like whales, but like most hockey fans, I still have a hope for resurrecting the Hartford Whalers.

Seattle Nor'Westers

Speaking of the Whalers, I came across this idea (scroll down,) which comes with a logo that pays homage to them.

Seattle Grunge

I and many others my age, have reasoned that since there's already a precedent for naming a team after a style of music (the St. Louis Blues) we might as well try that again. You could base the jerseys on Kurt Cobain's shirt from the "Smells Like Teen Spirit video." This Totems concept uni seems to have hinted at that.

But more likely, you'd want to work some plaid into it. Part of me wants to see plaid become part of the sports uniform landscape. Some people have already tried that out in their fantasy leagues. But then I saw this mockup which makes a "Team Spirit" pun. I realized that opens up a new possibility. "Spirit" has been used as a team name in the minors, as with the OHL's Saginaw Spirit. So that would seem like a generic team name, but those of us of a certain age would take it as a double meaning, so now I'm cheering for Seattle Spirit as the darkhorse candidate.

Tough (Nursery) Room

I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if I had a blog right from birth. Sure, the entries up to age fifteen would be brief because that’s when I learned to touch-type. But I had plenty of things to vent about. And I guess I owe it to my younger self to go back and belatedly complain.

Like, the jokes we tell kids. As a child, you often get exposed to jokes, particularly in riddle form, through books or other activities that are supposed to be fun. I think it’s about time that I speak up for kids and say, those jokes are crap. Well they were in the seventies anyway, maybe they’re better now.

Like, there was one joke: What do you get when you cross an owl with a goat? A hootenanny. I guess that’s funny, but the problem is that appreciating the joke requires knowing what a hootenanny is, or at the very least, knowing that it is a thing, and not just a random collection of sounds. Of course, as a four-year-old, my experience with free-form folk happenings was rather limited, so I had no idea what that word meant. So not only did I not find it funny, I misunderstood the whole idea of riddles for a while, assuming them to be some kind of bizarre random code rather than a form of humour.

Indeed, I just saw “What is a hootenanny?” Among a list of trivia questions, so it’s hardly a fair joke topic for a child.

But the ultimate bad joke for kids is, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Potentially, it’s a funny joke, but it relies on two things from its audience:

• They’ve heard a large number of jokes in the riddle format.
• They have a good appreciation of irony.

The problem is, children are the one group of people who don’t have either of these things, so it falls flat. The teller has to explain the joke, and as everyone knows, if you have to explain a joke it won’t be funny. But in this case it’s worse, because the kids won’t even understand it after you explain it.

It’s actually pretty surprising that the joke is still around: by the time you have the necessary mental faculties to understand it, it’s so old that you can’t appreciate it. Just think, probably no one in the western world has laughed at that joke in the last fifty years, and yet somehow, it’s still with us.

But this whole walk through bad-joke memories was triggered by something I saw in a store recently. It was a toddler’s sweater that had a picture of crossed hockey sticks on it, with the words, “Ice Ice Baby.” That struck me as tremendously unfair to the child. To them, it’s just a reference to ice as a skating surface, and they have no way of knowing that they’re walking around with the title of a song on their chest — a song they may come to consider rather embarrassing, depending on their own musical direction.

Of course, the makers of the shirt are counting on appealing to the parents, many of whom today are of an age where they will recognize the joke and find the shirt funny. But that would be like if someone my age had been forced to wear a shirt with a humourous reference to a Pat Boone song. Thanks mom and dad, you’re using me as a pawn in pop-cultural struggles for your own amusement. I’ll make my own musical choices, thank you, right after I figure out this ‘irony’ thing.

Rated Xmas

I don't know if you're aware of it, but there's become a whole subculture of TV Christmas movies. Okay, "subculture" isn't really the word for it: in our modern world, we have so many entertainment choices that there can be an entertainment trend that exists on its own and has ardent followers, but much of the public remains oblivious, like Amish Romance. Well that's what has developed here; several specialty channels will be showing nothing but Christmas movies all through November and December. But it's just a few channels, and mostly during the day, so you may not know about them at all. But there are so many - with more being cranked out ever year - that there's apparently a great appetite for them. The Hallmark Channel in the U.S. is making most of them, and here in Canada they've been picked up by several channels with compatible programming. Mainly that's the W Network. Hey, remember when that started and everyone expected it was going to be radical feminism 24/7? Innocent times.

Generally, these are laid-back romantic-comedies, though there isn't even the pretense of going after the bro market, so the stories are very focused on the female character, and not a hint of slap-stick or gross humour. And there's a theme of people finding themselves, finding their love of Christmas, or, a new appreciation for their small town.

Interestingly, they seem to be mostly made in Canada. For one thing, we've become the cheap film capital of the world, and we have snow.  And that leads to something interesting: The stars of these movies are either soap stars, or people who used to be on sitcoms. But most of the supporting cast are Canadian actors. Even if you don't know them, you've seen them in commercials. But the mainly American audience for these movies wouldn't know this, they'd just wonder why the same few people keep popping up in one movie after another, and assume that these folks have somehow decided to specialize in just holiday-related roles.

I've complained in the past about the ubiquity of Christmas, and how long we celebrate it, so you'd think that I'd be really annoyed by these movies. And yet, I'm not. For one thing, I don't hate Christmas, I just hate having it shoved down my throat non-stop. I find that it's quite pleasant having Christmas in nice little parcels that I can take or leave, even if they start early and schmaltzy.

My only complaint is that, as I said, these movies are all variations on a theme, and it would be nice if other networks concentrating on different genres would offer their own Christmas movies. That could be difficult. Like say, there have been only a few Christmas horror movies. And there aren't really any sci-fi Christmas movies beyond Santa Claus Conquers The Martians. And twenty-eight Doctor Who specials. 

Of course, there's a discussion every Christmas about whether Die Hard counts as a Christmas movie, since it doesn't have much in the way of Christmas themes, but does take place on Christmas Eve. I always thought that argument was kind of silly, but perhaps I'm being too harsh. It's just the first of a new wave of Christmas action movies. The next one should be along any time now.

All About That Bass, No Pressure

At a recent hockey game, a commentator was discussing the scoring slump of Max Pacioretty, the winger for Las Vegas who was acquired in an off-season trade. The commentator said that he had asked a local reporter if he was under any pressure because of the lack of scoring. That reporter just said, of course not, it's Vegas. After all, hockey teams don't get nearly the media exposure in the US, even in markets where the sport is popular. The subtext is that Pacioretty had previously played his whole career in Montreal, where players are constantly in the spotlight. Had he started the season this slowly there, it would have been the only thing the city was talking about for a week.

And that's a concern that comes up a lot in Canada. Our hockey teams have never been great at attracting free-agents. Sure, the Leafs signed John Tavares this summer, but generally we haven’t made big splashy signings, and we'd like a better idea of why. Some say it's higher taxes, some say it's the cold winters. But if that were true, northern blue states would have the same problem, but it doesn’t work out that way. So many wonder if it's the media fishbowl that we put our hockey players in.

It’s great if you’re a successful hockey player in Canada; you’ll be treated like a god. But there will be a lot of pressure too. The unfortunate aspect of this is that it’s a negative with little upside. In most sports, being under the media microscope comes with more money or a better chance or winning. That’s why people love to sign with Barcelona or the Yankees. But the NHL’s salary cap means that you get the same money wherever you sign. And with that, the chance of winning is no different for Canada’s hockey teams, and the evidence is that they have even less chance. It seems that all things being equal, players would rather not have the pressure than risk it to get extra fame.

I've heard a lot of people over the years discuss this price of fame outside the context of sports. Is it worth the fame and fortune if you can't go about your life in peace and privacy? I remember a DJ once hypothesizing that bassists have the best life of any musicians. They get the same share of the money, as well as the cheers and whatever happens backstage and in the hotel. But once that’s over, they can go about their lives in peace with no one recognizing them.

But being a hockey star in the US is a similar perfect balance. Mostly, you go about your life unbothered. But then every few days you get to spend a few hours surrounded by adoring fans cheering you on. Within the arena, people know who you are and care about you, but once the game is over you go back to anonymity.

I know it's sacrilege to say, but the Americans have it right, in their own way. They care just enough about hockey, but not too much. Indeed, that’s how the whole world should work: We have this big event where everyone is really excited and has a good time, but when it’s over, we put it aside and stop worrying about it, and treat the participants like normal people. Yes, we should all learn from American hockey fans. When they show up.