Did you know that there’s only three days in the year that North America’s “Big 4” team sports do not have any games? Okay, probably, because we’ve just had them: they’re the tree days around Baseball’s All-Star Game. In recent years, ESPN used this break as an opportunity to have their annual award show, the Espys. But for some reason, they had it a few days early this year, so I was unprepared to publish another instalment of suggested awards. Previous suggestions are here from 2014 and here from 2015.
Baseball
- Most creative way to point out a no hitter without actually mentioning it
- Least embarrassing ceremonial first pitch
- Least confusing score bug
- Most nonchalant front row spectator
- Most sweat-stained cap
- Most elaborate hairstyle hidden under a cap
- Most gratuitous old-time ballpark feature in a new stadium
- Best performance by a player asking the dugout to request a review
Football
- Best performance by a player introducing himself and his college
- Most innocent-sounding explanation for not signing Colin Kaepernick
- Most gratuitous use of cable cam
- Best performance by a coach angrily taking off his headset after a bad play
Basketball
- Best performance by a fan in the front row berating a player without provoking a fight
- Most subtle way for a commentator to question officials' competence
- Best wood floor pattern
Hockey
- Best performance by a league official pretending to care about concussions
- Most consecutive questions asked of John Tortorella without him losing it
- Most dramatic announcement of a goal-review result
- Most gratuitous pre-game ceremony (separate divisions for original-six and expansion teams)
- Best special effects in an animated virtual board ad
Soccer
- Most miraculous use of the magic spray
- Best performance by players wasting time taking a corner, throw-in etc.
- Best performance by in-studio analysts hyping a relegation game
- MLS fan group that looks most like it could win a riot against European fans
- Best interpretive dance moves while running up to a penalty
Tennis
- Best attempt to have a McEnroe-style tantrum despite the existence of review technology
- Best performance by a player packing up their bag and leaving after a loss
- Subtlest grunting
General
- Most money conned out of local government for a new stadium
- Least-awkward in-stadium marriage proposal
- The Ref-Cam Award for best dumb-sounding idea
- Highest office job given to a retired player with no experience
- Roughest play at an All Star game
- The Broken Clock Award for best prediction by a loud mouth debater.
- Fastest performance of The Star-Spangled Banner
- Saddest story of a veteran dealt away from a championship team as part of a deadline deal
- Most realistic superimposed ad
- Most compassionate "oooh" by a crowd watching an injury in slow motion on the jumbotron
- The St. Joseph’s Cancer Center Award for strangest thing advertised on a sports broadcast
- The Eric Lindros Award for highest expectations placed on a prospect who hasn’t played in the big leagues yet.
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