The
ESPY awards are coming up. They're often criticized for, well, for what they are: awards for accomplishing things in sports. So it's winning things for winning things. But I think the idea of sports awards could work. But don't give them to the stars that are already celebrated everywhere. Instead, give them to people who don't get fame and fortune, or for things that don't normally get rewarded.
Fan awards
- Coldest shirtless appearance
- Most embarrassing televised appearance in the crowd (disqualification for suing the network.)
- Bob Uecker award for staying in assigned seats the longest
- Most elaborate outfit (categories for Raiders and non-Raiders)
- Best original song (categories for vuvuzela and air-horn)
Fan Signs:
- Wittiest sign
- Best use of network initials
- Most sarcastic sign smuggled into stadium
Fanbase awards
(Awarded to a team's entire fanbase)
- Best hyping of bad team
- Most implausible rumour
- Best defense of racist team trademarks
- Steve Bartman award for best scapegoating
- fastest wave
Sportscasters
- Best deadpan asking a stupid question
- Best rewording of a previous question
- Most enthusiastic reading of the copyright notice
- Subtlest segue into a promo for a non-sports show
- Most women picked out of the crowd by a cameraman
Athletes and Coaches
- Fastest soccer player to get back on feet after injury
- Barry Sanders award for most restrained touchdown celebration
- Least-gratuitous use of slam-dunks when layups will do
- Vaguest injury description
- Most creative use of eye-black
Grounds Crews and Maintenance Personnel
- Most creative pattern mowed onto a baseball diamond
- Fastest basketball sweat-mopper
Special Technical Award for Contributions to Sports Technology
Presented to the inventor of the
temporary soccer line spray
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